“Who left chicken nugget crumbs in the air fryer again?” I shouted across the house while getting dinner ready. “Sorry! That’s on me,” my 11-year-old shouted back. I called him into the kitchen and reminded him about bugs and needing to clean up after ourselves. This wasn’t the first time he’d done this, so I suspended his air fryer privileges. The next day, when he wanted an air-fried snack, I reminded him that part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for cleaning up after himself.
If you’re wondering how to teach your child responsibility when he’s not responding to consequences, consider some of what we’re doing with my son. Middle school is the perfect time to try incorporating these 7 actions that will help teach your child responsibility.
1. Let him venture out without you.
I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. That’s why it’s number one on the list. Giving your child independence, like walking the last couple of blocks to school alone or riding his bike around the neighborhood with other kids unsupervised, has a direct impact on mental health and can promote a sense of competence. When these gears are clicking into place, a sense of responsibility will develop.
In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt discusses the importance of independence and explains that allowing children to venture out, even in small ways, fosters an “internal locus of control”—a sense that they can influence their environment, make things happen, and effectively handle challenges that arise. You might be afraid of giving an irresponsible kid independence, so start small and praise big when he returns from his adventure. “Good job remembering to put your helmet on for your bike ride to the store. You even brought back the receipt! Nice!”
2. Give him a job that’s just his.
Assigning your child a specific, individual responsibility can be incredibly effective because it creates a sense of ownership and accountability. If your middle schooler’s in charge of the trash, then when it overflows, it’s clear who is responsible. This direct link between action and consequence, without the confusion of shared chores, allows for clear individual learning and a stronger understanding of responsibility.
3. Don’t swoop in.
Man, this is a tough one. I naturally want to shield my kids from any chance of messing up. But constantly saving them from the fallout of their choices stops them from learning. Middle school is the perfect time to start putting this into practice.
If your daughter forgets her lunch, don’t rush it to school. If she has a fight with a friend, nudge her to handle it on her own. If she’s confused about homework, help her figure out how to talk to her teacher herself. When you hold back from rescuing your child, it might lead to a painful consequence, like a bad grade or an uncomfortable conversation, but it often teaches valuable lessons in becoming responsible and independent.
4. Practice “notice and do.”
If you’re looking for how to teach your child responsibility, this one will not only do that but also cultivate awareness and initiative. Ask your child to walk through the house and identify three things that need to be done. Then ask for his plan to make it happen.
When I did this with my son, the first thing he said was, “The plant looks like it needs to be watered,” which is something I hadn’t even noticed. Notice and do trains kids to recognize opportunities for contribution and take responsibility without being explicitly told.
5. Let him grocery shop.
This is notice and do’s foodie cousin. When you’re shopping, ask your child to retrieve three items you regularly use and could be out of. This involves him in a household task, reinforces his knowledge of household needs, and teaches him to follow instructions and navigate a real-world environment.
It’s OK if he brings you his favorite sugary cereal or 2% instead of almond milk. Growth is a process! Next time you’re getting ready for your grocery trip, remind him he’s going to get to help, and he might just start taking a mental inventory.
6. Establish “before I get to” basics.
This is all about setting clear expectations and creating consistent routines. Establish non-negotiables that must be completed before any privileges, like screen time or going out with friends, are granted. These basics could include making her bed, brushing her teeth, and putting away clothes. Consistency is key here. By linking privileges to responsibilities, you reinforce the connection between actions and outcomes.
We have a great printable to help with this. Start with the printable and work toward removing the visual and encouraging your child to recall those non-negotiables.
7. Teach her how to say “I made a mistake.”
While I want my kids to show responsibility at school and around the house with things like chores, my deeper desire is for them to show responsibility in their character, and that means owning up to mistakes.
Some children need explicit instruction on how to express accountability. So model and teach them language like “I didn’t mean to do it, but I messed up,” or “I didn’t start the fight, but I should have made a better decision.” Providing them with the words to articulate their mistakes empowers them to take ownership and learn from them.
If you had your child bring back essential groceries, what do you think would show up in your cart?
