Forgot his homework on the kitchen table? Spelled an easy word wrong on a quiz? Called her teacher “Mom?” Making mistakes can feel bad—even embarrassing. If you have a child who makes mistakes and isn’t deterred, you’re fortunate. She has a good level of resilience. But if your child’s afraid of making mistakes and the effort it takes to keep trying, we need to help her see that mistakes aren’t all bad. They’re an important part of learning.
Making a mistake doesn’t define who your child is. But not being afraid to make one is essential. Learning from mistakes allows kids to grow, build resilience, and approach challenges with more confidence. Here are 5 things you can do to encourage a good attitude toward mistakes.
1. Keep YOUR attitude positive when he makes a mistake.
My son ripped open a new box of cereal and the flakes flew all over the table and onto the floor. Inwardly, I groaned, but when he turned to face me, frozen like a deer in headlights, I checked myself. Too often in the past, I’d let my real frustration show, and I learned that it made him nervous about messing up. So, I’ve been working on myself. Now, I softened. “Hey, buddy. It’s OK. Let’s just clean it up.”
Mom to mom: When your child makes a mistake, he’ll look at you to see how he should feel. It’s never too late to change your approach. You may just have to encourage him for a while to take chances.
2. Praise her effort even if things don’t go as planned.
During a class debate, my friend’s son faced a tough question from his opponent. He’d researched and rehearsed every possible question his opponent might ask—except this one. Caught off guard, he panicked and couldn’t find the right words to respond. After a few awkward seconds, he sat down, buried his face in his hands, and started to cry.
Mom to mom: Learning from mistakes is a process. Remind your child that no one’s perfect. And sometimes the unexpected happens, even though we did the best we could. But all that hard work wasn’t a waste of time. It helped.
3. Reframe any negative language.
When my friend Hannah’s son Charlie overthrew first base on an easy play, Charlie stormed off the field, muttering to himself: “I can’t do anything right. Some all-star player I am.” On the car-ride home, Charlie and his mom talked about all the good plays he made and how one mistake didn’t make him a bad player. “Then he told me, ‘Next time, I’m gonna go slower and make sure I have a good grip on the ball.’” Hannah smiled. “He learned something from his mistake.”
If you’d like a cute printable with 100 Words of Encouragement for Kids, you can download it here for free!
Mom to mom: Help your child reframe how he views himself—as a developing player/student/musician. Point out that the best-of-the-best have made millions of mistakes to be so good at what they do. Learning from mistakes is how they improve.
4. Ask, “Would you like some advice?”
One of my daughter’s signature statements since toddlerhood has been, “I can do it myself.” Which is fine and good. She’s accomplished much on her own. But sometimes, she gets stuck. I’ve learned I have to be patient when she makes mistakes. I have to time my advice well. If I don’t and she isn’t open to it, she tunes me out.
Mom to mom: If your child says no, that’s OK. Let her keep trying on her own. At some point, she may get frustrated. You could say, “Let me know if you’d like some tips.” The truth is, kids will only learn from their mistakes if they’re willing to listen.
5. If he’s upset or discouraged, revisit the issue later.
Maybe your child’s having trouble remembering his math facts and gets frustrated. Or he lost his new watch at school and comes home teary-eyed. When kids are upset, it can be hard to come up with a plan to tackle the mistake. Give your child time to cool down. Avoid fueling the fire with your own emotions (“I paid a lot of money for that watch!”). Then, come back later to talk, maybe after a snack and some downtime.
Mom to mom: Trying to rationalize “with an angry kid is always a challenge because they don’t have the same capacity as we do to stop and reason,” says Carole Banks, LCSW. In the moment, empathize instead: “I understand. This is tough.” Empathizing will not only strengthen your relationship but make kids less worried about making mistakes in the future.
How do you help your child focus on learning from mistakes instead of getting discouraged?
