“Can I go to the pool with Luka?” my daughter asked me. I said yes without even thinking and then realized she meant without me. Yes, his older sister would be there, but another mom wouldn’t be. What if she didn’t apply enough sunscreen? What if she slipped and fell? What if she had to go to the bathroom? But, also, what if it was a safe way to let my 9-year-old stretch some boundaries? So off she went.
By the time our kids hit the tween years—somewhere between 9 and 12—they’re ready for more freedom. They’re figuring out friendships, forming opinions, and craving a little independence. And while that growth is healthy, it can leave us torn between holding on and letting go. So here are 5 boundaries for kids worth stretching (and how to do it in a way that keeps everyone feeling secure) this summer.
1. Let him hang out with friends (without you).
During the tween years, kids begin forming their own social identities, which means learning how to navigate the nuances of friendships without a parent always in the background. Sending my daughter to the pool without me marked a shift for both of us. It gave her the chan
ce to laugh, play, and be herself without me hovering nearby. And for me, well, it gave me practice at letting her go a little bit.
Boundary stretcher: Build independence gradually. For example, start with a matinee movie where friends sit together (without adults) while you hang out somewhere nearby. Then, progress to dropping him off and picking him up later. Set clear expectations about meeting spots, what to do in an emergency, and behavior guidelines. Clear expectations give your child the confidence to take this step and help you breathe a little easier while he does.
2. Try letting her stay home alone.
This is one of those boundaries for kids that can feel hard to stretch. The first time you do it, you might wonder if she’ll be OK, if she’ll remember what to do, or if she’ll feel scared. But when you determine that your kid is ready to stay home alone, you’re helping her build confidence, practice problem-solving, and strengthen her sense of independence in familiar surroundings.
Boundary stretcher: Try leaving her home alone for 20 or 30 minutes while you run an errand. (A quick trip to the gas station worked for me!) Go over the ground rules for staying home alone, like what to do in an emergency. As you both get more comfortable, extend the time based on what is allowed in your state and what feels right for your family.
Tweens are developing critical thinking skills, and taking the lead in decisions provides them with the space to weigh options, manage expectations, and even learn from their mistakes. Whether it’s planning a family outing, deciding how to spend a free afternoon, or choosing his own summer reading list (yes, comic books and audiobooks count!), giving him leeway to take the lead builds confidence and helps him feel heard.
3. Give him more say in decisions.
Boundary stretcher: Invite your child to plan part of the week—maybe he picks Friday’s dinner, suggests a family activity, or chooses the summer chore he’s ready to take on. (Saying a prayer for you that he willingly picks to cut the grass!) Or let him research and figure out a new activity he wants to try in the new school year.
4. Let her manage a small budget.
Money management is a life skill many of us don’t learn until adulthood. But the summer months offer a defined window for kids to start learning financial literacy and it’s one of those boundaries for kids worth stretching! Whether it’s an allowance, cash from grandparents, or money earned from walking the neighbor’s dog, giving your child control over her own spending teaches budget basics, delayed gratification, and the inevitable “I-wish-I-hadn’t-spent-all-my-money-on-that” lesson.
Boundary stretcher: Give your kid a set amount as a summer budget, maybe $50 for the whole summer or $10 a week. Help her plan how she might want to spend it, but then step back and let her decide. Let her know what you’ll still cover (like family outings) versus what comes from her funds. If she runs out, don’t bail her out. Instead, let her learn that once her money is gone, well, it’s gone.
5. Let him m
ake his own (reasonable) screen time choices.
During the school year, you likely closely monitor every digital minute, but summer offers an opportunity for tweens to practice self-regulation with their tech usage. Giving your child more independence in how, when, and why he uses screens helps him develop critical thinking about technology use. As digital independence increases with age, it’s a skill he’ll need.
Boundary stretcher: Instead of setting all the rules, invite your tween to help create summer tech guidelines. Use a screen time contract as a starting point, and let him take the lead on balancing screens with outdoor play and family time. Keep your content guardrails, but give your kid the responsibility to track his usage. Talk about how different types of tech use affect his mood and energy. This kind of guided freedom helps him build healthy habits.
How do you balance stretching boundaries for kids with your own comfort level as a mom?
