Do you have a firepit in your back yard? Or a fireplace in your home? There’s something about a fire that turns a regular night into something special. Maybe it’s the crackle and hiss of the flames. Or the ambience that shadows create, reflected in the face of the person next to you. No doubt about it, a fire can create coziness and romance. That’s why fires—and the heat they bring—are symbolic of passion and love. And just like the love you share with your husband, a fire’s flame needs fanning to keep the spark alive.
If you’ve been married for a while, you know that like any relationship, marriage takes work to keep it strong. And just like a fire, there are certain things you need to do to keep the spark alive in marriage. Here are 5.
1. Nurture the flame.
If you walk away from a fire, it’ll eventually burn out. Same thing goes for your marriage. If you want the flame to burn brightly for a lifetime, you have to tend to it. That means both of you need to make intentional effort, even when parenting, jobs, and all the extras in life fill your days. Talk with your husband about ways both of you can nurture the flame and keeps the spark alive in your marriage.
How to: Check in with each other every day—at dinner, before bed, or even through texts on breaks. Let him know he matters to you, that you value his help with the kids, or appreciate his clean-up in the kitchen. Small gestures like these can encourage him to respond in kind.
2. Share the warmth.
Have you ever had to sit inches from a fire to feel its heat? It’s not very comfortable. But a robust fire radiates warmth more than a couple feet. When your marriage is warm and loving, your kids feel it too—wherever they go. A relationship with your husband that’s built on mutual respect, trust, connection, and forgiveness will radiate to the rest of your family. And that’s going to make your kids feel safe and secure in their place in this world.
How to: Show each other some love! Go ahead and kiss your husband in front of your kids. Hold his hand when you’re out and about. The kids may say ew, but according to the Institute for Family Studies, kids “do better when their parents love each other” and it can even contribute to better child behavior. Win-win!
3. Stoke the fire.
Even a good fire can dwindle without a little poking or adding new kindling. The months can slip by super fast if you’re not careful. Let’s not let our marriages burn low. What helps is a little fuel for the fire. And that doesn’t mean pricey show tickets or elaborate date nights. You can stoke the fire of your marriage with a Netflix night. Or a pizza dinner after the kids are in bed. The point is to spend some QT with your main man.
How to: Ask about his day. Actively listen when he replies. Follow up on his stressors with him and celebrate his wins. When he feels your warmth, he’s likely to return it. Don’t turn into strangers under the same roof. Print out our Romantic Questions for Couples to get some conversation going!
4. Protect the flame.
“Can you put that away?” my husband asked as we walked the dog. I wasn’t even looking at anything important, so why did I have my phone out? I pocketed it and mumbled a sorry. The thing is, there are so many potential distractions to our marital relationships that we have to be mindful of setting boundaries to protect what’s most important. Wind, rain, and neglect can dampen a fire. So, what might be the “rain” in your marriage?
How to: Set boundaries around work hours and kid activities. Weed out any unhealthy influences that don’t support a healthy marriage. And practice forgiveness with each other.
5. Clean out the ashes.
If you’re trying to light a fire, clearing out the old ashes can help the flame grow. Likewise, in marriage, it’s good practice to let go of old grievances and resentments and work on forgiveness and giving grace. Of course it’s not always easy! But working to clear these ashes from your relationship can pave the way for more peace and love in your marriage. And every day is a new opportunity.
How to: If your relationship tends to gather ashes with every tiff, try these tips to end a fight peacefully. Being able to say “I’m sorry” has the power to turn a tense moment upside down. And a quick convo to agree on a fresh start could be the spark your marriage needs to burn brightly—for a lifetime.
How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage?
