My teen slammed her bedroom door so hard that it cracked. Well, the truth is that it cracked because I put up my hand to stop it from smacking me in the face. What I couldn’t stop, though, were her words that sliced through my heart. Sometimes, it felt like just my presence triggered an intense (and targeted) outburst.
Maybe you’ve felt that too—that sudden emotional sideswipe from your teen that leaves you wondering, What just happened? You might be asking yourself, “Why are teenagers more susceptible to changing emotions?” And more importantly, why does it feel like those emotions are aimed directly at you? Here are 5 things going on inside your teen’s brain and heart, and how you can respond to each with calm and compassion.
1. Your teen is experiencing adult-sized emotions with kid-sized coping skills.
Teens often feel emotions at maximum volume without the skills to turn down the dial. Heartbreak, anxiety, loneliness, shame—teens feel all of it. But they don’t yet have the vocabulary or coping strategies to manage those nuanced feelings. So instead of saying, “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to fix this,” they respond by picking a fight with you or shutting down. This is another reason why teenagers are more susceptible to
changing emotions. They feel everything, but haven’t learned to process it in healthy ways yet.
How you can respond: Help your teen build up her emotional vocabulary. When things are calm, say something like, “It seemed like you were really frustrated earlier. Was it more about stress or feeling misunderstood?” Offering words gives her the tools to name and tame her emotions. And point her toward healthy coping skills for everyday emotions and for dealing with stress.
2. Your teen perceives feedback as rejection.
You think you’re helping. Your teen thinks you just told him he’s a failure. And it’s not because he’s overly sensitive. It’s because his identity is still under construction. During adolescence, teens are hyper-aware of perceived judgment or disappointment. What you meant as a helpful suggestion might land as “I’m not good enough.” Even gentle corrections can feel deeply personal because teens don’t yet have the ability to separate what they do from who they are.
How you can respond: Before giving feedback, lead with reassurance that separates performance from worth by saying something like: “I know you’re trying, and I’m proud of that. This doesn’t change how I see you. I love who you are, not just what you do. Can I share something that might help next time?”
3. Your teen’s brain is wired for big emotions right now.
When parents ask why teenagers are more susceptible to changing emotions, it’s easy to place all the blame on hormones. But it’s more complicated than that. Research published in the Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences shows that during adolescence, an immature prefrontal cortex can’t fully control the brain’s emotion and reward centers. That’s why your teen’s emotional reactions can be fast, unfiltered, and intense! It’s literally all in his head.
How you can respond: When your teen explodes, resist the urge to match his energy. This is NOT the time to practice “mirroring.” Instead silently remind yourself, “This isn’t about me. It’s his brain in overdrive.” Take a breath. Lower your voice. Say, “I can see you’re feeling a lot right now. I’m going to give you space, and we’ll talk when things calm down.”
4. Your teen is figuring out who she is (and you’re the safest person to test on).
Teens are in the messy (but beautiful) process of discovering their values, beliefs, and personality apart from their parents. That can be confusing for everyone. One day, your teen is mature and articulate. The next day, she’s talking back and making poor choices. You get whiplash because you’re watching her try on different versions of herself. And you often get the worst of it, because you’re her safe space. She knows she can fall apart with you and still be loved (just like she did in the toddler years).
How you can respond: Don’t take every outburst personally. Remind yourself: She’s not fighting me. She’s finding herself. Later, say to her, “It’s OK to be figuring things out. I love you through every version. However, it’s not okay to speak disrespectfully to each other.” That gives her permission to grow, shows her that you understand, and creates a boundary on showing respect.
5. Your teen craves your approval more than she’ll admit.
Your presence stirs your teen’s deep need for love and acceptance, which makes every interaction with you feel high-stakes to him. And, even when he acts like he doesn’t care what you think, he does. He might brush off your praise or act embarrassed when you cheer him on, but inside, your words are shaping his core beliefs. As Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, explains, teenagers often push their parents away outwardly as part of normal development, but they continue to look to them for emotional security and guidance.
How you can respond: Keep showing up with love. A few words go a long way in planting seeds of security. Text this to your teen after an emotional moment: “I love you. I’m here. We’ll get through this.”
Why do you think teenagers are more susceptible to changing emotions? And how do you remind yourself it’s not about you when your teen slams that door—literally or emotionally?
