“Hey Mom, can I follow Megan’s finsta account?” When my middle schooler asked me that question, I figured it was just some new slang for Instagram until she explained that it’s a private account only close friends can see. That’s when my Mom radar started pinging. “Do you have a finsta account?” I asked, trying to sound super chill. That question led to the first of many conversations about privacy vs secrecy.
As our kids carve out more personal space in middle school, we can be left wondering: When should I step back and give privacy? And when do I step in because something feels off? Here’s how to talk with tweens about privacy vs secrecy in a way that builds trust, protects their safety, and keeps the conversation going.
How to Talk About Privacy—And When It’s More Than That
Start by helping your child understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is a healthy and normal part of growing up. It’s about having safe spaces where a person can think, reflect, or express themselves without constant oversight. Secrecy, on the other hand, is about hiding information because of fear, shame, or because the truth might cause harm or break trust. Secrecy can damage relationships and may signal that something unsafe is happening.
Then, help your child picture what this looks like in real life. A “closed door” or “locked diary” isn’t just physical today. It could be a social media account you didn’t know about, disappearing messages like Snapchat or WhatsApp, calculator apps with password-protected galleries, or private browsers to hide search history.
Talk about how technology can be a great tool, but also a place where secrecy can quietly take root. And if you spot something off (or just have a gut feeling), talk about it. Say, “I saw something I didn’t expect, and I want to understand before I jump to conclusions.” Then give your child the space to answer.
Why Middle School Is the Right Time for This Conversation
These years are when tweens start pushing for more autonomy and independence. At the same time, new vulnerabilities pop up, like social media (whether you’ve given your tween the freedom to be on it or not) and peer influence. Plus, their growing brains are wired to seek peer approval, which can turn privacy into secrecy fast, like lying about a friend’s house rules to fit in.
They need to know there’s a kind of privacy that’s healthy and earned—and a kind of secrecy that throws up red flags. So, what does healthy privacy look like in this stage?
Signs Your Tween’s Privacy Is on Track
A desire for more privacy is a natural part of growing up. When privacy is on track, your child feels free to have a world of her own, but knows she can invite you into it. When it’s unfolding in a positive way, you’ll likely notice:
- More internal processing: Your tween may not spill everything in the moment, but she still circles back and opens up on her timeline. You might find your tween coming to you at 10 p.m. to chat rather than sharing much at dinner.
- Growing independence: He might want to check out the video games while you finish shopping on the other side of the store or head to the movies with friends instead of with you.
- Body boundaries: She may ask for space when upset, so you don’t see her cry, or want to try on clothes without you in the dressing room.
- Safe peer conversations: You might not hear every detail from a group chat, but he’s not hiding entire digital worlds.
When Privacy Becomes Secrecy: Red Flags to Watch For
Secrecy is different from healthy privacy. Here are some signs to pay attention to because they may signal something’s off:
- Fear after social time: He usually talks a lot after hanging out with his best friend, but now he seems jumpy. He avoids eye contact when asked, “What did you and Aidan do today?”
- Digital behavior that seems sketch: She tilts her phone away every time you walk by. She panics if you glance at her screen, or she grabs her phone too fast when you walk by.
- Language with hidden pressure: You overhear: “Don’t tell your mom…” or “We’ll get in trouble if anyone finds out.”
- Emotional shifts that don’t add up: If your child seems constantly edgy, irritable, or unusually withdrawn, it might be more than typical middle school mood swings.
Building the Kind of Home Where Trust Grows
At the heart of it all is trust. Let your tween know you’re always a safe place. You might say: “Nothing you could tell me would make me stop loving you. If someone ever asks you to keep a secret that makes you uncomfortable, you can come to me, and we’ll handle it together.”
Of course, trust goes both ways. You respect your child’s space, but safety comes first. You could say, “I’ll knock before entering your room, but phones get checked randomly—not to spy, but because I care.”
How have you talked about privacy vs secrecy with your tween or teen?
