At book club, one of the women mentioned how much she looks forward to chatting with a guy at work. “He gets my sense of humor,” she said, looking down at her feet and smiling. “Honestly, those 20 minutes in the breakroom are the most fun I have all day.” The room got quiet for a sec. Then someone said, “Mmmkay. Next discussion question.”
Cheating usually looks pretty black and white, but micro-cheating lives in a gray area. It’s a slippery slope, too. What starts as a friendly conversation or a little extra attention can drift into something more before you even realize it. These 5 signs of micro-cheating can help you check in with yourself before it goes any further.
What Is Micro-Cheating?
Micro-cheating is a term used to describe behaviors, which are often concealed, that lead someone to question their partner’s emotional or physical commitment to the relationship, according to Psychology Today. These moments usually stop short of infidelity, but they can signal a shift in emotional loyalty.
5 Signs You Might Be Micro-Cheating
1. You send or receive texts or DMs that you don’t want your husband to know about.
I remember a friend who started deleting texts from an ex after her husband glanced at her phone. She said it was “no big deal,” but the secrecy made things feel… off. If you’re deleting texts or guarding your phone, it’s worth asking why. For an extra check of your intentions, ask yourself if you’d pass the drop test, i.e., if you dropped your phone and your husband picked it up, would you be OK with him looking at the text you just sent?
If you’re doing this, ask yourself: “If my husband saw this message, would I feel like I needed to explain it or defend it?”
2. You share emotional struggles or personal thoughts with another man before your husband.
“Have you had another panic attack since the one last month?” a guy friend of mine asked one of the wives while we were all at dinner. Her husband looked surprised. He had no idea she’d had a panic attack. Turns out she’d confided in this friend about something she hadn’t shared at home.
If you’re doing this, ask yourself: “Why do I feel safer or more understood by this person than by my husband right now?”
3. You find yourself dressing up or acting differently when you know you’ll see a specific other guy.
I’ve definitely done a few outfit changes before events where I knew I’d see a certain coworker. It felt harmless, but later I had to ask myself why it mattered so much. I think there’s something about catching the eye of someone who hasn’t vowed to love me at my worst like my husband has. It feels like a confidence boost, but it’s a red flag.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, people sometimes seek out this kind of attention not because something’s wrong in their relationship but because they’re struggling with how they see themselves. It’s more about filling an internal gap than fixing a relationship issue—and that’s worth paying attention to.
If you’re doing this, ask yourself: “Am I looking for attention or approval from someone who isn’t my spouse? Why?”
4. You downplay your relationship with this person or call it “just friends.”
Around the table at a girls’ night dinner, a friend was talking about a guy non-stop—until another friend in our group asked, “Wait, who is this guy?” Suddenly, he was “just a gym buddy.” The brush-off made me pause. If you’re quick to defend or dismiss a friendship, ask yourself how come. The Gottman Institute notes that secrecy and defensiveness in a relationship are often signs of emotional distance—even when nothing physical has happened.
If you’re doing this, ask yourself: “If the roles were reversed, would I be totally comfortable with my husband having this kind of friendship?”
5. You fantasize about what life would be like with him—or wish your husband were more like him.
I once watched a friend’s husband scoop up their toddler and carry him off to change a dirty diaper. And I thought, Wow. How different would life be if I were married to him?
Now, fleeting thoughts are one thing. But it’s when those thoughts stick, when you find yourself thinking about him later, comparing, daydreaming, wishing your husband were more like him—that’s when it veers into emotional territory that deserves a closer look.
If you’re doing this, ask yourself: “Am I comparing someone’s best moments to my husband’s worst?”
What If One of These Micro-Cheating Examples Hit Home?
Feeling uncomfortable reading these five signs of micro-cheating doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re paying attention. So don’t beat yourself up. Notice when your heart starts drifting so you can turn back before it impacts your marriage. Start by being honest with yourself—and then take one small step toward reconnecting with the person who’s in it with you for the long haul.
Is there another sign of micro-cheating you think we should all be on the lookout for?
