I explained—calmly, I thought—that my son was capable of earning a B instead of the D he brought home. I wasn’t asking for all A’s. I was just asking him to put in effort that would inevitably lead to better grades. But his response floored me: “You expect me to be perfect.” Hold up. Getting a B is literally not perfect. I wanted to say, “Do you even know what ‘perfect’ means?”
But when a kid days “you expect me to be perfect,” it’s not usually about the grade, the chore, or the performance on the field. It’s about pressure—real or perceived—around parental expectations. To us, it sounds like an excuse. To them, it feels like drowning. If you’ve heard those words and wanted to scream, “Seriously!?” here’s what your kid really means—and how to respond in a way that helps.
What Kids Mean When They Say “You Expect Me to Be Perfect”
One friend told me her son snapped “You just want me to be perfect!” when she suggested a tutor after a rough test. She felt like she was helping. He felt like he’d already let her down.
When your teen says something like this, chances are they just feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to express it. It’s not about you demanding perfection—it’s how they’re experiencing the pressure. Even encouragement can feel like a weight. A simple “You’ve got this!” before an exam can land like “Don’t mess this up.”
What’s Behind the Perceived Pressure of Parental Expectations
My guess is teens don’t actually believe their parents want perfection. They just fear disappointing us. And the pressure doesn’t stop at home. They see classmates who seem to breeze through AP classes while leading the student council and starting in Friday night’s game. Socials show teens performing, achieving, glowing. No one’s posting about failing the chemistry quiz or crying after swim practice.
In his book When Kids Hurt, researcher and author Chap Clark says many teens feel like they’re being “systematically abandoned” by the adults in their lives—not through neglect, but through a lack of true connection. They’re often performing for approval rather than being genuinely supported. That’s a lonely, exhausting place to be. This is why it’s so important to shift from setting expectations to actually teaching the skills and discipline our kids need to meet life’s challenges. Instead of asking, “Why aren’t you doing better?” we can ask, “What tools are you missing—and how can I help you build them?” Kids don’t need to be pushed harder. They need to be partnered with.
Why Even Reasonable Goals Can Still Feel Like “Too Much”
Sometimes, there’s a gap between ability and motivation. I saw this play out (and the “perfect” line get used) between a friend and her daughter Maya. Mom was just trying to help Maya budget 15 minutes of piano practice a day. Maya could technically do it. But she was fried—physically, emotionally, mentally.
And some kids are just wired to feel things more deeply. “I know you can do better” might land as a personal failure. A lot clicked for me when I realized this. My son—the one who bristled at the suggestion of getting a B—is my more sensitive one. My words didn’t have to be harsh to hit hard.
How to Respond When Kids Feel Pressured by Parents
When your child says, “You expect me to be perfect,” resist the urge to explain yourself or shut it down by rolling your eyes and saying, “That’s not what I said.” That won’t help them feel heard—or supported.
Instead of minimizing, try:
“That’s not what I want. I’m sorry it feels that way. Can we talk about what’s really going on?”
Even encouragement can backfire when a kid’s running on fumes. Before you jump into a pep talk about discipline or motivation, pause and connect. You can guide them later—after they feel seen.
Try asking:
- “Do you believe you can get a B?”
- “What’s making that feel hard right now?”
- “What would help you build the skills to get there?”
Then look inward: Am I giving the impression that they’re more loved, valued, or celebrated when they bring home an A or score a goal? Do I treat my other kids differently because I don’t have to nag them?
Reminder
Remind them—frequently—that their worth isn’t riding on a grade, a goal, or a flawless performance. They need to know they’re loved even when they’re struggling. And don’t forget to circle back. Teens rarely open up on our timeline. Try again before bed or in the car, when things are calm: “Earlier, you said I expect you to be perfect. I’ve been thinking about that. Can we talk more about it?”
That mix of grace and guidance—that’s the sweet spot our kids actually need. Not pressure. Not perfection. Just parents who are present enough to help them grow.
What were the circumstances when your child said “You expect me to be perfect,” and how did you respond?
