Imagine being a kid who’s just had a rough day at school. Your friend ditched you at lunch, you drew a big ol’ blank on your math test, and the class mean girl gave you a new nickname. When you talk with Mom after school, you need to hear, “Gosh. That was a crummy day.” But instead, she shrugs and says, “That’s nothing. Talk to me when you have a full-time job.”
Emotionally unsafe parenting shuts kids down. When we dismiss their feelings, they learn not to trust us—or themselves. But when we create emotional safety, kids feel secure, build resilience, and stay connected to us. And research shows it’s highly effective in raising successful kids. So what is emotional safety, and how do you practice emotionally safe parenting? Start with these 3 signs you’re a safe place for your child’s feelings.
1. You make connections.
The parent-child bond in the early years is critical for emotional safety and healthy development throughout life, but connection doesn’t stop mattering just because they get older. Connection means making sure our kids feel seen and heard instead of brushed off. We notice what drives their emotions, the good and the bad, and show an interest in knowing more.
Picture this: Your 9-year-old runs into the kitchen while you’re making dinner, wanting to show you his amazing Minecraft fort including the secret passages and the lava moat. You could just say “mmm hmm” or “Minecraft? Can’t you find something better to do with your time?” while you keep stirring the pasta. But actual connection is stopping what you’re doing, looking at his screen, and yes, even letting him explain the origin of “chicken jockey!”
What an emotionally safe response looks like: Eye contact, listening without jumping in, validating their feelings whether they’re happy or excited feelings or more difficult feelings, like anger or sadness
What an emotionally safe response sounds like: “Wow, you put so much thought into this! Tell me about how you decided where to put the drawbridge.”
2. You’re consistent.
Your rules and responses don’t get to change just because you’ve had a rough day. Kids need an environment that’s dependable, trustworthy, and loving, which means they need to know what to expect from us.
Think about how you handle back talk. If you shut it down immediately on Monday because you’re feeling patient and calm but then let it slide on Tuesday because you’re stressed about work and don’t have the energy to deal with it, your kid learns that boundaries depend on your mood. That makes them more anxious, not less, because now they’re constantly trying to figure out which version of mom they’re dealing with and whether she can handle how they’re feeling.
What an emotionally safe response looks like: Following through on consequences without losing your mind and responding to attitude the same way every day of the week
What an emotionally safe response sounds like: “I know you’re bummed about losing Xbox time, but you knew the deal about homework first.”
3. You show compassion.
Emotionally safe parenting can be as simple as remembering your child’s a human who’s still learning really hard stuff in a body that’s constantly changing. Bad behavior and big emotions are often a sign that children are stressed. Instead of thinking “How do I make this stop?” emotionally safe parents ask “What does my child actually need right now?”
When your usually sweet 11-year-old suddenly starts picking fights with her brother every single afternoon, compassion means realizing this might be how she’s dealing with some friendship drama at school, not accusing her of “being mean” or acting like a baby.
What an emotionally safe response looks like: Staying calm when they’re melting down, still being kind after you’ve had to discipline them, saying sorry when you mess up as a parent
What an emotionally safe response sounds like: “I can see you’re really upset about not making the team. That disappointment totally makes sense.”
Which of these three signs of emotionally safe parenting feels most natural to you, and which one do you think will be your biggest challenge?
