I saw it way too often when I was a teacher—children being left out. They would walk into class alone, sit at their desk, and watch anxiously as the other kids gathered in little groups or chatted before the bell rang. It made me very sad. So I found ways to help them feel less left out. I’d assign them a task they could do as soon as they arrived. I changed the seating chart to give possible friendships a little nudge. And I did my best to offer them opportunities to shine and feel good about themselves and their accomplishments.
But what about when they’re at home? How can you support your child if they’re being left out at school or in other friend groups or activities? Take a look at these 5 important things you can do when your child is being left out.
1. Steer clear of stigmas.
Handle your left-out child with care. Even if you notice a pattern, avoid labeling your child with words like shy, different, or awkward. Also avoid these 15 things moms should never say. You want your child to feel like there are things he can do to try to make the situation better, not because you want him to think that he’s the cause of the problem, but so he sees that he has agency instead of feeling powerless. A team of researchers found that encouraging a child’s growing independence and capabilities builds confidence, which helps your child get through this hard time. So let him take on more at home: making his own snacks, organizing his study area, or picking out his clothes for school. You want the message to be “I believe in you,” not, “Let’s figure out what’s wrong with you and what you’re doing wrong.”
That being said, if your child does need help learning how to make friends, here are some ideas. Just be sure to share them with your child in a sensitive way. Talk about how you make friends when you meet someone new or want to get to know someone better.
2. Be a party planner.
Look for friendship opportunities if your child is being left out. Set up playdates, offer to host a group of kids for a sleepover or a trip to the movies. Find activities where she can make friends. Consider your child’s strengths and think about where she will find people like her with the same interests. Fill her time with visits with family members. If she has siblings, encourage the friend aspect of those relationships.
3. Listen and love.
Be a good listener when your child opens up about being left out. Stop what you’re doing. Focus on him with your full attention. Don’t downplay what he’s feeling, blame the other kids, or tell him it will make him stronger in the long run. Instead, say something like, “That sounds really hard. I’m glad you told me. I wish everyone were as kind as you.” When you can tell he feels comforted and might be open to talking a little more, say, “Hey, I’m so sorry you feel left out. Do you want to try to come up with some things you can try?” This is where you can brainstorm with him about the ideas we gave earlier.
And show even more love than usual. I heard about one dad who said his son got upset after some children told him his name was ugly. The father said, “Do you like your name?” The little boy said yes. “Well, I like it too. Mom and I chose that name because it means giver of light, and you brighten our lives, Luke.” How’s that for great parenting?
4. Address school issues.
If your child is being left out at school, talk to her teacher as soon as you become aware of it. Ask her what she’s seen, and how your child handles the rejection. Ask her who your child’s friends are and who she sits with at lunch. And yes, ask her if your child is doing anything that might be contributing to the problem—intentionally or unintentionally. Most teachers want to know when a student is being left out. They might be unaware there’s a problem. Once they do know, you and your child will have a strong ally.
5. Be a friend.
You need to be your child’s “person” until they are no longer regularly left out. A friend of mine played this role for her daughter for many years. She was a fun and upbeat companion without a hint of pity. “Hey! Let’s go for a bike ride. Want to play a game? Want to watch a movie?” A study on how to buffer the negative effects of being left out supports this approach. It found that “When children face social exclusion, supportive relationships with parents…can mitigate rejection-related distress by offering affection, assistance, and validation.” And isn’t that a pretty good description of some of the things we already do as moms?
How do you handle your child being left out?
