I dropped the kids off at school and came home. Aside from my dog barking hello, no other sound reached my ears. After months of working at home, my husband had returned to the office, and I had the house to myself. Sure, I’d miss seeing him on our lunch break and listening to the familiar sound of his footfalls as he paced his office upstairs. But man, I loved having a little time to myself. Are you with me on this one?
Craving time apart isn’t wrong. It’s actually quite healthy for you as an individual and for you and your husband as a couple. For me, it’s more than just the silence I gain from being alone—it’s time with my thoughts. Even if it’s only an hour apart here and there, time alone can go a long way in strengthening your relationship. If you want to do something for yourself and your marriage, try incorporating some alone time in marriage during the week and you’ll gain these 5 benefits.
1. Alone time gives you a chance to pursue your own interests.
When I spot a couple wearing matching college football sweaters, I often wonder whether she was a fan before marriage. My husband has introduced me to new things (yes, college football is one of them), but I have my own interests too. For example, I love to swim laps at the town pool. I enjoy the hour I have alone in my lane and always come home refreshed.
Who are you without your husband? John Aiken, a relationship psychologist quoted in The Sydney Morning Herald, says that time apart “encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple.” Feeding your own interests, and having the space and time to do so, can help you appreciate the time with your husband more too.
2. Time apart strengthens your other connections.
My friend Laurie is extremely extroverted and when she’s away from her husband, she’s got a friend on the phone while she walks or runs an errand. Laurie is the best kind of friend to have too—she’s a great listener, she’s supportive and empathetic, and she’s smart and kind. With two older kids, she’s also been the mom I turn to for advice. And she always makes me feel special and loved when I’m with her.
Alone time in marriage doesn’t mean you have to do things solo. Meet up with a friend for coffee. Spend the afternoon shopping with your sister. Or drive to your mom’s house and catch up with her. Spending time with others besides your husband is good for you too.
3. Alone time empowers you to do things for yourself.
When I lived in Boston, my friend Val came to visit. She took a flight, navigated the train system, then walked the final stretch to my condo. “I was nervous going alone, but I felt very capable,” she told me. “I realized I rely on my husband a lot when we’re out and it was empowering to do this tough thing for myself.”
Aiken agrees. Alone time in marriage “fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess.” That strength will carry over to other aspects of your life as well.
4. Time alone restores you.
After I do something just for myself like a lap around the block or a workout video in the basement, I come back feeling restored in a completely different way. It’s being able to utterly relax without worrying about another person that gives me the recharge I often need.
Don’t feel guilty about taking time to yourself. Be honest with your husband about your need for time alone. Put it on the calendar. You’ll return feeling refreshed and will be a better wife and mother because of it.
5. Stepping back helps you better appreciate what you have.
The other day, my husband caught a ride to the office with my girlfriend who saw him waiting for the bus. I started to think about what they must’ve talked about for the 20-minute ride. Seeing my husband from this perspective made me think, “Yeah, she was lucky. My husband’s a great guy and she got to spend that time with him.”
Having some distance from your husband gives you a different perspective on your relationship than when you’re together all the time. Aiken says that time apart is “extremely healthy” for couples. It keeps “freshness” in relationships. To me, that sounds like the nudge I need to get back in my lap lane really soon.
Having some distance from your husband gives you a different perspective on your relationship than when you’re together all the time. Click To TweetWhat do you like to do when you have alone time?
