My husband and I knew our friend Alex was unhappy in his marriage when we invited him over, but it took all the way ’til after-dinner drinks for him to really open up. He stared down into his glass of red wine and said, “My wife is never happy no matter what I do. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her.” My heart sank. The times I’ve hung out with Alex’s wife, I found her to be funny and personable, so I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s stressed. Maybe she’s unhappy at work and it’s spilling over into their home.
We talked about it after Alex left, and I asked my husband if he thinks I’m happy. I know sometimes I can let things happening outside of our marriage affect the way I act around him. He said that yes, he believes I’m happy, because he knows me. But he also said that sometimes he has to remind himself of my personality and let some things go. Yikes. That was a wake-up call for me, so I’m trying to make changes in order to prevent misunderstandings. If you’re in the same boat, here are 5 things to do to avoid coming across as the wife who is never happy.
1. Ask yourself if you’re an encore wife.
I think one of the main reasons a husband would say his wife is never happy is that she’s what’s known as an “encore wife.” That’s the wife who demands another as soon as her husband gets one task accomplished or shows one act of kindness.
That was a thoughtful birthday present. Encore! What are you getting for our anniversary? Thanks for fixing the leaky toilet. Encore! Now about that washing machine. Do you give your husband a moment to rest before adding another task to his list?
2. Ask yourself if you’re an overfunctioner.
I knew a woman who admitted to being an overfunctioner. She said she didn’t trust her husband to do simple tasks like get the dog to the vet or pack their son’s lunch, so she kept tabs or did it all herself, begrudgingly.
Overfunctioning is when you cope with anxiety by allowing yourself to be over-responsible for another person—and a lot of moms are overfunctioners. While it can help you manage your tension, it gets in the way of the other person becoming a responsible human being. And even if your husband is a bit of an underfunctioner, he probably perceives your micromanaging as a sign of unhappiness.
Overfunctioning is when you cope with anxiety by allowing yourself to be over-responsible for another person—and a lot of moms are overfunctioners. Click To Tweet3. Grow your friendships.
A friend of mine went through some drama with the PTA. She called me to vent because her husband doesn’t have the patience for it. Instead of being resentful that he’s not listening or he doesn’t care, she uses me as a sounding board.
I think a lot of wives want their husbands to fulfill every one of their needs, but that’s a lot to put on one person. Having friends who will listen can prevent resentment from building and keep us from appearing unhappy when really, we just need a listening ear.
4. Talk about what matters to you both.
My husband knows I hate seeing crumbs, leaves, or dirt on the ground. For a long time, I thought he was just ignoring the mess. One day I pointed at a leaf and shouted, “Am I the only one who sees this leaf? Nobody else wants to pick it up?” He swore he hadn’t seen it and even if he had, he admitted a leaf on the rug in the entryway doesn’t bother him the way it does me.
Sometimes just knowing what your husband cares about (or doesn’t) can take some of the edge off. Now I know he’s not intentionally stepping over the leaf, and he knows I’d appreciate it being picked up.
5. Acknowledge what he does.
You won’t appear to be the wife who is never happy if you’re fostering feelings of gratitude toward your husband. So in the morning, when your brain is firing up for the day, say one thing that’s amazing about him. Say it out loud. You don’t have to say it to him, but if you want to, I’m sure it would give him a boost.
I’ve been doing this and now, instead of, “Look. There’s a leaf he refuses to pick up,” my brain can sort through a variety of wonderful things I’ve noticed. I remember he fixed the bathroom sink, gets along with my parents, and is patient with me when I lose my cool, so I smile and think, “Despite that leaf, he’s pretty amazing.”
What do you think gives men the impression that their wives are unhappy?
