“I do everything for my husband, and he does nothing for me. He doesn’t care,” a friend of mine told me the other day. She said it was weighing on her. What does a wife do, she wondered, when she starts feeling extremely frustrated at her husband?
At a gut level, my friend knew that it wasn’t good for her, her husband, or their marriage to walk around seething with simmering anger all of the time. So what can she do? Here are 3 common frustrations wives have and suggestions for how to handle them.
1. I do everything for my husband, and he does nothing for me or the household.
First, when you feel like your husband does “nothing” and you do “everything,” it’s helpful to pause. Frustration can lead you to default into all-or-nothing thinking and to see your husband’s actions, or lack of actions, as negative. Does your husband really do nothing, or do you feel that he isn’t doing enough?
When you feel this way, keep being kind to your husband. Then, share your frustration. Keeping it bottled up will only make the bitterness inside you boil. He might say he just didn’t realize he wasn’t helping enough, and that he’s not a mind-reader. Ask him how he’d like you to communicate about what you need. Establish a method for sharing your needs that doesn’t feel aggressive to him so you can help him understand what you want.
Share these All Pro Dad articles with him:
5 Common Areas Women Want Men to Take Initiative
The 6 Best Things a Husband Can Do for His Wife
2. He’s not the least bit romantic.
iMOM has a lot of articles about flirting with your husband or putting the spark back in your marriage. But you say, “I want him to flirt with me!” and you’re disappointed because you fantasize that “this is the year he does something unexpected for our anniversary,” only to find out he’s planned nothing or even forgotten it altogether.
Just like the previous frustration, you need to tell him what’s bothering you. Tell him what romance looks like to you and ask him what romance is to him. Then, when he does it, don’t make fun of it or criticize him. And chances are, if you reward him for his efforts, he’ll get more creative next time.
Share these All Pro Dad articles with him:
5 Things to Do When the Spark is Gone in Your Marriage
3. He just doesn’t listen.
Many a frustrated wife has told her husband, “You’re not listening to what I’m saying!” Does your husband not listen during fights? Does he not hear you when you’re asking for help? Maybe you feel like a broken record because you’ve told him so many times why you’re unhappy.
Healthy communication isn’t easy, but you can focus on assertive statements and active listening. Assertive statements start with “I” and are constructive and clear, not wishy-washy. “I would like more help around the house. I want to find time to talk about this.” Active listening restates the message to let the sender know whether it was clearly understood. “If I understood what you said, you’d like more help around the house and want to take time to sit down and discuss it.” This practice feels elementary, but it’s foundational to good communication.
Share these All Pro Dad articles with him:
What Happens When You Don’t Listen to Your Wife
20 Things Wives Love to Hear From Their Husbands
What if you’ve already tried it all?
You might be thinking, “Yep, I tried all that. He didn’t change.” I understand your frustration. It’s very tempting to feel defeated when you’re trying to help your marriage and your husband isn’t interested. But here’s the thing: You can’t control him, his actions, or his responses. You can only control what you do.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of accepting your husband as he is—the good and the parts we wish were different. You also might need to reconsider your expectations. If you can do that while you’re also working on feeling less resentful, good things can follow. The important thing is to deal with those marriage frustrations so they don’t become bigger issues.
What have you done to try to make your marriage better? What has worked or not worked for you?
