Trista confided to me that her daughter, Kiley, had a friend who’d become controlling. “She used to like this girl a lot, but now it’s different.” When I asked how so, Trista said, “She tells Kiley who she can and can’t talk to. She gossips about other girls. And Kiley worries what will happen if she tries to distance herself.” Trista said her daughter had become very anxious about going to school and seeing this girl. And it made me worry hearing about it! If a friend starts to tell your child how to dress or talk, or even who to be friends with, your child probably needs your help.
The reality is, controlling friends aren’t friends at all. To help a child who’s gotten wrapped up in a controlling relationship, you might want to take these 5 steps.
1. Ask her why she’s staying in the relationship.
Trista knew her daughter felt afraid to break off the relationship. “It’s a small school,” she explained. The controlling friend could turn others against her. What’s your child’s reason for staying with the controlling friend? Talk with her about it. Knowing what’s motivating your child can help you find ways to encourage her. If your child doesn’t feel like she has other friends, it’s something to help her work on. But if she still likes this friend at times, you may have to discuss the pros of cons of staying in the friendship. If staying does more harm than good, it’s not worth it.
2. Discuss the qualities of a true friend.
A mom once asked me if a certain boy in our kids’ class ever told my son “not to play with Artie.” I wasn’t sure, so I asked my son. He shrugged and said, yeah. “But I ignored him because Artie’s nice.” My son told me the other kid was kind of mean. If your child is having friendship issues, ask him what makes a good friend. You should hear things like kindness and honesty. You can then talk to your child about the controlling friend to see if he thinks the other child has these positive qualities. If the controlling friend makes your child feel bad about himself or others, he’s not a true friend.
3. Encourage after-school activities and new friends.
My friend Courtney’s daughter Lily had a controlling friend in fourth grade. Courtney didn’t realize how bad the situation was until Lily started getting tummy aches before school and breaking into tears at random times. When your child faces a controlling friend in school every day (“No one wears braids anymore, Lily!”), it can make kids feel helpless.
If you have a church youth group, see if she’s interested in joining. If she’s up for trying new sports, look into your local recreation center for classes. Trista encouraged Kiley to call a friend who lived nearby to work on building that relationship. Anything you can do to help your child find other kids who’ll treat her well will boost her self-esteem.
4. Help your child identify his strengths.
Controlling friends take teasing and sarcasm to a new level. Courtney told me the teasing started off in a way that made Lily think the girls were just joking. “But over time,” Courtney said, “the remarks got meaner and meaner.”
What might look like affectionate teasing between two besties can cut away a kid’s self-esteem. If your child has someone like this in his life, your job is to build him up so the controlling friend’s words don’t linger in his heart. Notice what he does well and affirm his positive behaviors.
5. Consider getting outside support.
Sometimes, it takes time to heal from a controlling friend. Your child might need to talk to a counselor or another trusted adult. My friends needed to get their kids outside help, but you may not need to. Supporting your child by listening to him and spending more time with him can ease the process. The more your child knows you’re there for him, the better.
Sometimes, it takes time to heal from a controlling friend. Click To TweetHow have you helped your child with a controlling friend?
