“Are you allowed to do that at Dad’s?” I don’t know if my kids have caught on to the fact that they could lie and answer “yes” to that question and probably get away with more misbehavior. But no. They usually hang their heads and say, “Nooooo,” to which I reply, “Then why do you think you can do it here?”
We know kids need consistency, so agreeing on rules can be one of the most stressful things for divorced parents. I’ve heard many say, “They have no bedtime over there!” or “There are no rules. Then they come home, and I have to be the bad guy.” It’s not an easy conversation, but it’s worth it to talk to your kids’ dad to get on the same page about these 4 co-parenting rules.
1. Technology Limits
Agreeing on a time limit for screens is a mountain you might not want to climb. Different parents have ways they like to let kids spend downtime. For example, some parents love video games and want the kids to play, too. So instead of focusing on screen time, focus on content and boundaries.
I can’t tell you what rules you need in your home, but here are some questions to discuss with your ex-husband: What determines what apps the kids are allowed to use? Can a child under 13 watch a PG-13 movie? Are phones or tablets allowed at the dinner table or behind closed doors?
2. Bedtime Range
My sons’ step-mom asked one day what time the kids go to bed at my house. I got nervous. “We start making our way to their room around 8:30 and then wind down until 9.” I breathed a sigh of relief when she said, “Same.” As the kids have gotten older and stay up later, it’s definitely one of the co-parenting rules we should have discussed and agreed on.
You don’t have to pick a specific time, but having a general range will help your kids get consistent sleep and make it easier to get them to bed (and awake the next morning) in both houses.
3. Schoolwork Procedures
Juggling homework, tests, and projects between two houses is not easy for co-parents or kids, but consistency can make a difference in a child’s success in school, so it’s worth it. While the exact after-school routine doesn’t have to be identical in both houses, it’s important to agree on a few things. Do the kids have to show you their completed homework before playing or getting screen time? If grades drop, could they get an extracurricular activity taken away? What’s the penalty if they don’t turn in work, and will you carry out that penalty at both houses?
Juggling homework, tests, and projects between two houses is not easy for co-parents or kids, but consistency can make a difference in a child’s success in school, so it’s worth it. Click To Tweet4. The Thing You’re Passionate About
We all have a “thing” that we’re willing to go to bat for. Maybe you don’t want your teen to ride in a car with another teenage driver, or you’re a no-sleepovers mom. You’ll need Dad to enforce that same rule when the kids are with him. While it’s not easy to get another person (particularly an ex-spouse) to go along with you, it’s worth it to ask.
The “this really matters to me” card is one you can’t play often, and you have to expect he’ll have his thing, too. Like most issues with co-parenting, you’ve got to be willing to compromise.
What’s another rule that needs to be consistent at both houses?
