What’s the worst part of working out? For me, it’s the warm-up. When I’m warming up, I feel uncoordinated, maybe a little creaky, and I know there’s hard work ahead. But I do it because it’s important to the success of the workout and to avoid injury.
What if we applied that same warm-up approach to fighting with our husbands? Before we tell you how to do that, ask yourself if you know how to fight fair in marriage. Is your current fighting style productive, or does it risk causing injury to your marriage? According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, if you’re not fighting fair, the missing piece might just be a pre-conflict warm-up. Here’s how to use the simple trick of a pre-fight warm-up. We’ve also included a guide on how to fight fair in marriage that gives you ways to strengthen your conflict-resolution skills before and even during a fight.
When should you have a pre-fight warm-up?
Is this a trick question? It’s before the fight, right? Yeah, but I don’t know many couples who are controlled enough to feel a fight coming on and say, “Ooh, honey, let’s pause before this escalates and do a quick warm-up.” Sure, it’s possible, but the goal is actually to set aside time each week to talk to your husband about your relationship and any problems you’re wrestling with. Dr. Gottman calls it a “State of the Union” meeting. If you want to learn how to fight fair in your relationship, this can be a great way to address an issue before anger and frustration set in and lead to a fight with your husband.
How do you have a pre-fight warm-up?
Both of you should grab a notebook and pen (yes, you should take notes), put your phones in another room, and go to a quiet spot where you have each other’s undivided attention. Then name five things your husband did for you over the past week that you appreciate. He does the same for you.
Why not just one or two things you appreciate? Gottman’s research found that happy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, even in conflict. This part of the warm-up is strengthening your emotional connection with your husband, which will help when you do fight.
Why does a pre-fight warm-up help?
Starting from a place of feeling appreciated eases tension and creates a desire to cooperate. Imagine your husband saying, “Honey, you’ve been overspending, and it’s getting to the point where I am afraid to look at the bank statement. We’ve gotta fix this.” Or, “I appreciate how much you care about how our home looks. It makes me smile when I walk in after work every day.” I know I’d feel attacked by the first option and, well, appreciated by the second.
Another key step is to thank each other for the words of appreciation during conflict. “Thank you for noticing the effort I put into our home.” When you’re gearing up for a fight, or in the middle of one, you might be tempted to skip this. If you do, you’ll leave your husband feeling like his appreciation didn’t matter, and bitterness will creep in. If you doubt whether the pre-fight warm-up will work or feel like too much effort, remember this: How you start a conflict affects how it ends.
A Guide for Fighting Fair in Marriage
If you want to fight fair in your relationship, it takes the right knowledge, effort, and commitment.
First, here’s how to prevent an unnecessary fight.
- Practice being open and honest with your husband.
- Root out resentment with these steps if you want to fight fair.
- Check to see if you have any of these communication problems in your marriage.
- Nurture emotional intimacy by considering these things in your marriage.
- Figure out your conflict style so you know your tendencies.
- See if you have any of these habits that can lead to more fights in your marriage.
- You can find three things you need to check before you jump into a fight here.
- Make sure you’re not falling for these four myths about fighting in marriage.
- If you and your husband fight during vacations, read this.
- If you don’t fight fair during arguments about money, this can help.
- And if you’re wondering if it’s OK for your kids to see you argue, listen to this.
- Here are Susan’s four ways to fight fair in marriage. Print out the PDF before your next fight.
Here’s what to do during an argument.
- In the heat of the moment, use these 10 ways to fight fair with your husband.
- Here are the words not to say to your husband during a fight.
- Here’s why a little empathy goes a long way during a fight.
- Avoid Dr. Gottman’s “big four” when you fight.
- Shift to using “I feel” statements when you fight.
- End your fight in a positive way with one of these seven lines.
I began this article with Dr. John Gottman’s warm-up approach to managing conflict with your spouse. As you consider that tactic and others in our Guide for Fighting Fair in Marriage, also focus on building up your marriage so the positives can sustain your relationship while you’re learning. There’s an entire section on iMOM dedicated to helping you do that—the Happy Marriage how-to page.
And for an inside look at how iMOM founder Susan Merrill is learning to avoid unnecessary conflict in her marriage, this video is worth the watch.
What do you think of the pre-fight warm-up? Are you willing to give it a go?
