Let’s say you’ve been wronged—wronged by your husband or your ex, your child, a close friend, or a coworker. You thought you could count on the person. You thought you could trust him, but he let you down. It hurts. The pain runs deep inside you. What makes things worse, you didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t your fault. Every day, the painful experience replays inside your head.
You’re in a place now where you’ve got a couple of options, and only one is the right choice. You can choose to hold onto the hurt and spend the rest of your life with the pain, bitterness, and anger. Or, you can choose to be released from it, healed, and freed by deciding to forgive. Maybe you’ve refused to forgive because you have the wrong idea about what forgiveness is. Don’t let a misunderstanding keep you from choosing the action that can change your life for the better. Here’s what forgiveness is not and what forgiveness is.
What Forgiveness Is Not
- Forgiveness is not a feeling. If that were the case, we would rarely forgive or be forgiven.
- Forgiveness is not a weakness. A lot of strength is required to acknowledge pain, declare it, and forgive it.
- Forgiveness does not mean pretending it didn’t happen or hiding from it.
- Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. “Forgive and forget” is not reality.
- Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing a wrong. And it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. We can forgive the person without excusing the act.
- Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. Reconciliation may follow forgiveness, but we can forgive an offender without reestablishing the relationship.
- Forgiveness is not based on the wrongdoer’s actions. Even if the other person never apologizes and asks for forgiveness, we should forgive.
- Forgiveness is not conditional. It’s not If you do this, this, and this, then, and only then, I will forgive you.
- Forgiveness is not justice. Justice usually involves an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology, and some form of reward or punishment. Forgiveness should occur whether justice is withheld or not.
- Forgiveness is not about changing other people, their actions, or their behavior.
- Forgiveness does not mean trust. Forgiveness should be freely given, but trust must be earned. As I shared in How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship, trust must be built with consistent truth-telling over a period of time.
- Forgiveness is not about changing the past; it’s about changing the future. Forgiveness accepts and addresses the past but focuses on what’s to come. It looks toward to a future of healing and hope.
What Forgiveness Is
It is a decision. When you really forgive someone, you are making a decision to release, embrace, pardon, and grow.
A Decision to Release
In the process of forgiving, the first barrier you have to remove is within your own mind. You must make the decision: I will not dwell on this incident. Don’t replay the incident in your mind. I realize that is easy to say but hard to do. When that reel begins to play in your mind, intentionally push the stop button. Realize that it will not make things better, dwell on what is good, and ask for the strength to withstand the onslaught of those attacks on your mind.
When you forgive, you are also proactively choosing to release your bitterness, resentment, vengeance, and anger toward the person who has hurt you.
A Decision to Embrace
When you truly forgive, you are intentionally embracing mercy and grace. Putting it simply, mercy is not giving someone what they deserve. Grace is giving someone what they don’t deserve. Why show this person who has deeply hurt you mercy and grace? For two reasons. First, because I believe God extends his perfect mercy and grace to you. Second, remember the Golden Rule? Treat others as you want to be treated. So when you make a mistake, when you hurt someone, when you wrong someone, how do you want to be treated?
A Decision to Pardon
I remember from my days of practicing law that once someone is pardoned or acquitted in a court of law, they cannot be tried again for the same offense. That’s called double jeopardy. So when you choose to pardon your offender by forgiving them, you are letting go of your right to punish them for the offense in the future. You are basically saying I will not bring this incident up again and use it against you. In so doing, you are choosing to hold onto the person, not the offense.
In our over three decades of marriage, Susan and I have forgiven each other for various offenses and hurts in our relationship—or at least we thought we did. There have been occasions when one of us has brought up a past offense the other thought was pardoned only to find that court was still in session on the issue. Real forgiveness must involve a complete pardon.
A Decision to Grow
When you forgive, you are taking away the power the wrongdoing wields over you and using that power toward your growth, perhaps the growth of your relationships. You are making this statement: I will not allow this matter to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Think of forgiveness as something that will change your life. And it will—by bringing you peace, emotional and spiritual healing, and hope.
Have you been hurt by someone you’ve loved? Have you forgiven him or her?
