“How did this happen!” That sounds like a question, but it was an accusation. The basketball hoop had fallen over and missed my husband’s car by mere inches. I looked at my sons with a “somebody better explain this” expression. They both denied any involvement in “Hoopgate,” as it came to be known.
“Fine! The Ring cam can tell us.” I fast-forwarded through minutes of video and hit play. They noticed my face changing, and their postures straightened. “Oops. It was the wind. Sorry, guys.” I hate being guilty of jumping to conclusions (especially if I’m wrong), and I know it damages my relationships with people I love. But it’s so hard for moms not to do it, right? If you’re guilty of jumping to conclusions with your kids, too, here are 3 ways to cut out this bad habit.
1. Acknowledge your biases.
I’ll warn you, this is the most difficult of the three steps. We know which of our kids is most likely to be the culprit, mess-maker, or antagonist. So when we hear a crash and think, “What did he do this time?” it doesn’t feel like a bias; it’s just informed parenting.
The problem is that our assumptions influence our responses, and our responses influence our kids’ behaviors. Jumping to conclusions communicates to our kids that we’ve noticed a pattern of behavior. Our kids become what we tell them they are, even if we tell them nonverbally.
Our kids become what we tell them they are, even if we tell them nonverbally. Click To Tweet2. Pause and look for evidence before jumping to conclusions.
The day of Hoopgate, I hadn’t paused to see if my kids’ shoes were by the door, if their heads were sweaty from being outside, or if the basketball was out of its bin. When a seven-foot-tall basketball hoop is hugging the car’s bumper, my first inclination is not to put on my private detective cap. I want answers! Shoot. Maybe this is actually the hardest step.
When you look for evidence before accusing or pointing fingers, you treat your kids how you’d want to be treated. Even if you’re 99.9% sure your child with a sweet tooth is the cookie thief, look for a trail of crumbs or chocolate in the tiny creases of her mouth. Taking time to ponder and observe is a habit worth passing on to your kids.
3. Consider the risk versus the reward.
I was one of a handful of kids who got pulled into the principal’s office in high school after a class prank. My mom walked in, and instead of saying, “You’re grounded,” she said, “I hope you weren’t part of this. What happened?” I actually hadn’t been part of the prank, so her response made me feel understood, respected, and trusted.
The reward for jumping to conclusions is swift justice, but that reward only comes if you’re right. The risk of jumping to conclusions is relationship, and it’s never worth jeopardizing your relationship with your kids, just to put an issue to rest. Next time you want to jump, think “relationship” and take a step toward your child instead.
Which step would be the most helpful for you to stop jumping to conclusions with your kids?
