I didn’t grow up with an encourager for a mom. She loved me and pushed me, but encouragement wasn’t the language she naturally spoke. My husband, on the other hand, grew up with a mom who once texted him after she witnessed him make a very public mistake as an adult: “You messed up, but the humility you showed when you admitted it was inspiring!”
I laughed and said, “Your mom is so encouraging. She even takes your screwups and makes them praiseworthy.”
Most of us want to be that kind of mom. But when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed, stress makes it easier to focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Yet research consistently shows that children raised by warm, encouraging moms develop healthier self-esteem. Our words have the power to shape the way our children see themselves.
I’ve learned a lot from my mother-in-law about how to encourage others, and I plan to practice what I’ve learned with my own kids. Here’s how you can too.
1. Correct with a compliment sandwich.
When you need to correct your child, don’t let the correction be the only thing your kid hears. Start with something he’s doing well, address what needs to change, and end with encouragement. For example: “I appreciate that you came to dinner right away when I called. The way you spoke to me wasn’t respectful, though. I know you can say the same thing with kindness.”Â
Kids are much more likely to accept correction when they know your words are rooted in love, not frustration. So before and after you criticize your kids, compliment them. (Here are 99 ways to do that!)
2. Put it in writing.
There’s something to be said about a handwritten note. Make time to leave a note of encouragement for your kids. Or better yet, use these tips for writing a love letter to your child. A number of years ago, I participated in a study that challenged you to write thank-you notes to each person you work with—not because they gave you something or did something for you, but just because. So I did this at work and at home. It not only made the people I thanked feel good, but it made me happy just to think about why I was grateful for them.
3. Make it a habit.
It feels good to be an encourager, but it’s not natural for me. If you also need help on how to encourage others, try our free, printable 30-Day Encouragement Challenge. There are so many ways to work encouragement into your daily interactions with your children:
- Start with it. When your children wake up, say something encouraging about them and the day ahead.
- Text it. For older kids, this one’s a given. And bonus points if you share a song that gives them an extra boost of encouragement. I love texting my kids a worship song or scripture that reminds me of them.
- Say it out loud to someone else. Brag on your kid in front of them. Tell your husband, your mom, or a friend something your child did well while your kid is in earshot. Overheard praise hits differently than direct praise.
I encourage you to slow down (as much as you can), take a look around, and intentionally encourage your children at least once a day. Whatever form it takes, your encouragement can change the course of your child’s day—if not the course of your child’s life.
What is the best encouragement or compliment you’ve received?
