A bowling alley birthday party isn’t the easiest place to have a serious conversation, but Whitney and I tried. She’s the mom of one of my kids’ classmates, and she’s single but dating. She shouted over the cracking of the pins, “She just wants to have me all to herself!” The “she” is Whitney’s daughter, Macie. Macie doesn’t want to share her mom. They have a special bond, and that little girl is completely content with Whitney being single and all hers.
But Whitney isn’t. She’s lonely, and she’s tried to explain to Macie that there will be a time when Macie’s not going to be around as much, and having someone would be really nice. Talk about a complicated conversation to have with an 8-year-old. So what do you do if you think you’re ready to date but your kids disagree? Here’s how to help your children accept a new relationship.
1. Have the conversation.
Not talking about it won’t help ease anyone’s nerves or fears. At 8, Macie’s old enough to hear her mom say that she gets lonely, or that she doesn’t enjoy being single. Whitney doesn’t have to sugarcoat that. Don’t lie to your kids about dating, but do choose your words carefully if your kids aren’t developmentally ready.
If you have an ex-husband, it’s time to have a conversation with him, too. It would be better for him to hear from you that you’re dating than to hear it from your kids, and he might even be able to help convince your kids it’s a good thing. You don’t need his permission, but being on the same page will help you provide better answers and comfort to your children.
2. Move toward your children more.
Whitney describes Macie as her shadow, so I don’t think it’s possible for them to spend any more time together than they already do. But when you start dating, your children lose a piece of you. One idea for how to help your children accept a new relationship is to be intentional about connecting. That will reassure them even if things change, you’re still Mom and you’re still there.
Move toward your children by having a device-free hour in the evening and using the time to talk, read together, or watch a show you both love. You could even create sweet rituals like a special handshake, a Saturday morning donut run, or using car rides for “Would You Rather” question time.
3. Start slow.
There’s a lot of debate over when a woman should introduce a man to her kids. A woman I know said her kids wouldn’t meet the person she’s seeing until he proposes. I can’t imagine a guy proposing without meeting the children of the woman he loves, so that might not be the best idea.
One of the most important suggestions for how to help your children accept a new relationship is to ease into things. That means not dating right after your spouse passes away or your divorce papers are signed. It also means giving it a few dates before everyone meets. When that time comes, keep it casual and short—go get ice cream together, meet up at the park, or see a movie.
4. Set boundaries to protect family time.
Whitney told me that when her ex-husband started dating, Macie complained that the new girlfriend was “always around.” If you share custody, try to limit your dates to the weekends when your kids are with their father. If you have your kids full time, set clear rules for how often he’ll get to be part of family dinners or outings.
5. Be an adult.
Don’t let your excitement about getting back out there and dating cause you to make decisions that give your children reasons to worry about you. And yes, even young children will worry. Coming home drunk, not coming home at all, or letting a man stay over will do nothing to help your child embrace the idea of you dating.
Don’t let your excitement about getting back out there and dating cause you to make decisions that give your children reasons to worry about you. Click To TweetIn addition to being an adult, you need to be the adult, and that means being in charge. Whitney said she canceled a date last minute because her daughter threw a tantrum. After things settled, she realized she was letting her daughter run the show. Sure, hear your kids out, but if you give them too much control over your dating life, they won’t feel the security of knowing Mom has a grip on things and can handle the situation.
What’s your best advice for how to help your children accept a new relationship?
