As my son approached middle school, my daughter insisted that he needed “the talk” before being thrown to the wolves. “Just trust me on this one, Mom,” she would say whenever I acted like bringing up sex didn’t feel urgent. Taking her advice, I called my son aside and delivered what I thought was a perfectly executed talk—covering all the birds and all the bees. Upon finishing, I said, “Do you have any questions? You can ask me anything!” Without hesitation, he said, “Do you know how to keep score in a Pokémon tournament?”
It’s hard to orchestrate an organic “sex talk,” but I was confident that wasn’t it. I knew one talk wasn’t enough, and I started questioning if I was the right person for the job. Rather than continually fumbling, I turned to an expert. Pediatrician Cara Natterson wrote the book Decoding Boys, and here are 5 of my favorite takeaways for how to talk to your son about sex and puberty.
1. Time it with care.
Most importantly, it’s not just one talk. Plan on having lots of talks—big and small. Some boys will ask questions that indicate it’s time to talk, but it’s more likely that you’ll start noticing subtle changes in their bodies (growth spurt, body odor, new hair, and voice changes) or behaviors (withdrawal, mood swings, or going quiet). These changes typically begin between ages 10 and 11 and almost definitely by age 14.
The signs with girls are more obvious, making “the talk” come up more naturally. The miscalculation we can easily make with boys is mistaking their silence for stability. They might not seek the conversation, they might look like they hate it, but they need it just as much as the girls—and just as early.
2. Toss the expectations.
I don’t have brothers, and my husband doesn’t have sisters. I assumed he would talk to our boys about stuff, and I would talk to our daughter. In our house, I’ve done all the talks. That’s OK—and perhaps even good. Some dads are more reserved when talking about sensitive topics, and some dads aren’t in the picture, so there are times the talk falls on mom by default. Even though I’m not a man, and I don’t share the same parts, I’m comfortable tackling these topics—and that makes my kids more “comfortable.”
You know your kids. Proceed accordingly. Proceed often.
3. Testosterone takes over.
According to Natterson, when testosterone levels increase, you will see “new or exaggerated personality traits, particularly ones related to power and dominance … [I]t can create a triangle of anger, impulsivity, and sadness.” Slow down and read that again. I know many moms with boys in this stage who have witnessed the unpredictable tornado that results from this triangle of emotions: anger, impulsivity, sadness, repeat. It’s a great indicator that testosterone is pumping, but you don’t get much warning as your son whips through the different sharp edges of that triangle.
The first thing I witnessed with my son was how quick he was to react—like a total snap from one moment to the next. We referred to him as a shaken can of soda because we never knew his exact pressure point until “the can” opened.
4. Tame the takeover.
Explaining the role of hormones helped my son feel less out of control. Once he knew his body and brain were actually doing what they were supposed to be doing, it made it easier to address the behaviors from a puberty perspective rather than a personality (or what felt like a character flaw) perspective.
Give your boys an outlet for all that new energy: sports, biking the neighborhood, cooking a new meal (to support their new appetite), and getting involved in school activities or clubs. Give them tools: count to 10 before exploding, help them identify their triggers (loud chewing, being interrupted, sisters who sing Taylor Swift all day) as well as how to manage them (inhale for three seconds, hold for five seconds, exhale for seven seconds), and don’t let them get too hungry. And, on that note, give them grace when they eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting.
If you want your son to keep talking to you, he needs to know you’re a safe source. Click To Tweet5. Tackle all the topics.
“The talk” isn’t just talking to your son about about sex. That might open the door, but establish an open door policy after that. Talk about consent, the influence of drugs and alcohol, pornography, and sexting. Make sure your son understands the legal and moral implications of all of those decisions.
This part of the talk is tricky, but don’t approach it from a place of instilling fear and shame. While much of it feels black and white, emotions add all the gray layers. If you want your son to keep talking to you, he needs to know you’re a safe source.
What do you remember about receiving the talk as a kid, and how do you wish it would’ve gone differently?
