“I can’t believe you would do this. This isn’t how we raised you.” I remember sitting on the couch wearing my Bongo jeans and sunflower printed bodysuit, watching the tense after-school special unfold on my television screen. The parents lectured their teenage daughter, whom they just discovered was having sex with her boyfriend. She sat on the edge of her bed with her head down, picking at her fingernails.
As a preteen, the scene became etched in my brain. I thought, “I am never having sex if this is what my parents will think of me.” Even hearing those words spoken to a fictional character on TV left a strong impression. When you get the chance to talk to your child about sex, your words are so important, even if you think they’re barely listening. So here are 5 things to avoid saying when we get this golden opportunity.
1. Apathetic Words
I know the culture’s expectation for my sons to wait until they’re married is practically nonexistent, but I would never say, “Well, there’s no hope, so whatever. I know you’re going to do what you’re going to do.” Whether you want your kids to wait to have sex until they’re married, be in a long-term committed relationship, or just be safe, you have to show them you care.
When talking to your child about sex, don’t back down from sharing your family’s values and why you believe they should take sex seriously. This isn’t about setting expectations that if unreached will leave them feeling embarrassed or shameful. You’re reminding him sex is special and meant to be shared with the right person at the right time.
2. Words That Evoke Fear or Shame
Our culture has come a long way in the past decade and more parents and churches are truly trying to equip kids to save sex for marriage instead of using language that shames them into avoiding sex. Kids need to know that their bodies and sex are not dirty or bad or threatening, and girls don’t need to be told their value is directly related to their purity. Is our sexuality a gift to be treasured? Yes. Does it make us worthy or unworthy? Absolutely not.
Using words that evoke fear or shame when talking to your kids about sex does not guarantee they’ll choose to abstain, but I bet it will make them never want to talk to you about it again.
Using words that evoke fear or shame when talking to your kids about sex does not guarantee they’ll choose to abstain, but I bet it will make them never want to talk to you about it again. Click To Tweet3. Old School Words
When my older sister started driving, my parents would joke about letting the two of us sit in the front seat so they could sit in the back and “neck.” Ew. So gross, Mom. Similarly, I had a youth minister who, on a monthly basis, managed to work the phrase “heavy petting” into talks to my youth group.
I’m not saying you should try to use trendy words and sound like a 16-year-old, but one of the easiest ways to lose credibility and sound irrelevant to your kids is to use words they don’t understand or think are lame. And sometimes those words are just distracting, so stick to real speak. And never, ever say “necking” or “heavy petting.”
4. Vague Words
“So, you know… This goes here and that goes there…” Totally cringey. I’m usually all for humor, but when you’re talking to your child about sex, straightforward and clear is the way to go. You wouldn’t use vague words to teach her about water safety, how to do laundry, or how to talk to a teacher about a problem in class. Why use them for something as important as sex?
So take a deep breath, use anatomically correct terms, and make it clear how pregnancy happens. It would be a shame for your child to walk away thinking you’ve just said a bunch of things that made no sense, and now she has to go look it up, call a friend, and avoid ever bringing it up again.
5. Words That Shut Down the Conversation
Most kids’ curiosities about sex starts to grow by the time they’re 10. If your child is 14 or 15 years old and you haven’t talked to her about sex, it’s very likely she’s learning about it from YouTube, a Google search, or a friend. So even if your child seems too young for the conversation, avoid saying, “You’re too young for this. We’ll talk again in a year or two when you’re ready.” If she’s asking questions, she’s ready for an age-appropriate answer.
Other words that close doors are “that’s inappropriate” and “you shouldn’t use words like that.” Most of the time, kids don’t know any better. If your child uses a sex-related word he shouldn’t, ask where he heard it and if he knows what it means. Then be grateful because you’ve just been given an open door to start a healthy conversation.
What else would you add to this list of things to avoid saying when talking to your child about sex? Anything your parents said to you?
