My daughter sat at the piano, her fingers curled over the keys. She played a few measures and then hit a wrong note and stopped, glaring at me. “It’s not a big deal,” I said. “Just play that part again. This time look closely at the notes.” I pointed to one of the measures on her sheet music, but she glared harder. Eesh. “I just want to help, kiddo,” I said. “I just want you to stop talking,” she replied. I sighed. I had a kid who really didn’t take criticism well.
Does it feel like a battle sometimes when you sit down to help your kid? You have the best of intentions, but she bristles when you point out she’s done something wrong. Advice, no matter how well-intentioned, can sometimes be hard for kids to take. Here are 7 ways to teach your kids to receive criticism well—and hopefully put an end to your battles.
1. Check your impulses and wait.
I learned this one from my daughter’s piano teacher. Even though my daughter made mistakes, Ms. W. let her finish playing her piece before saying a word. Then, she followed up with something positive before launching into any criticism. “Bravo! That’s really coming along! Now let’s revisit the second line.” Doing it this way takes a lot of self-control on my part, but I’m seeing better results with my child’s attitude. I’m trying to apply the same line of thinking to other things she does too. For instance, if she mispronounces a word, I’m going to wait until she’s done talking instead of interrupting.
2. Stay calm and controlled.
“I can’t read your writing!” I said to my son in a voice louder than I intended. “How’s your teacher going to grade that?” It’s hard not to get frustrated when you feel like you’ve corrected your child a dozen times and he still does the same thing wrong. But getting angry isn’t going to make things better. Losing your temper will only make your child associate your criticism with yelling. And that will set you back. So, remind him again. Leave a sticky note if that’s easier. And don’t let your tone ruin any progress.
3. Ask questions without judgment.
A friend’s daughter once wanted to wear a tank top and jeans to a dance. My friend asked her if she’d really want to be remembered like that in the photos. That made the girl pause and think. I like how my friend steered her daughter toward a better choice. Instead of offering outright criticism, you could ask your child similar questions: What could you have done differently? If it were your friend who turned in this assignment, how would you say she did? Would you consider it well done?
4. Educate, don’t embarrass them.
When I assigned my son the chore of sweeping the kitchen, I couldn’t believe he didn’t know the right way to use a broom. Instead of little strokes, he’d drag the broom around the room. When I showed him the better way to do it, I tried not to make him feel bad about his mistake. “If you do it this way,” I said, “you’ll get the job done quicker.” If kids know how your criticism will benefit them, they’ll be more likely to listen.
5. Give them a chance to try again.
“Would you like to try again?” I asked my daughter. Sometimes the chance to fix whatever mistake a kid made feels good. So, offer this option and try to avoid negative comments like, “That’s wrong,” or “What were you thinking?” Using more uplifting statements, like “I think you’d be more successful if…” and “Why don’t you try…” might increase your chances of teaching your child how to receive criticism well.
6. Celebrate when they accept and use criticism well.
Taking criticism well is a skill and an opportunity for growth. So, when your child remains respectful and doesn’t get mouthy or cry, you should point it out: “I like how you handled my advice.” Giving him a pat on the back or a high five also works well to reinforce a good attitude toward receiving criticism.
Taking criticism well is a skill and an opportunity for growth. Click To Tweet7. Be open to criticism in your own life.
Teaching your child to receive criticism well can take time. It’s not easy. Another way to help kids build good habits is to demonstrate humility in our own lives. If we’re learning and growing in our jobs and parenting roles, we’re probably going to make mistakes. How we handle criticism is a good blueprint for how our children will take criticism from us too.
How important is it to teach kids how to receive criticism?
