The wall clock read 9 o’clock, and my daughter had tears in her eyes. “I have a hangnail on my toe!” she cried. “It hurts!” All through dinner, she’d been fine. No problem. I sat down. “Let me see,” I said. She extended her leg onto my lap. “Don’t touch it!” she warned. “It reaaaally hurts.” Indeed, her big toe looked red and irritated. My heart told me to bring in a bowl of warm water and let her soak her foot for 20 minutes. Then we’d see how it felt. But my head told me I should send her to bed and deal with it in the morning. “I won’t be able to sleep!” my daughter whined, and I looked again at her toe, wavering.
What would you do? Let her stay up? Send her to bed? Some moms lead with their heads, others their hearts. Which is better? Find out if you’re parenting more with your head or your heart and which one works best.
Parenting With Your Head
“To the time-out chair!” I said, pointing. My son marched off to the dining room. He sat. “You’re six, so you have six minutes to think about what you did.” We’d been using timeouts for a while but had mixed results. When I later found he’d used a fork to scratch lines into the wooden chair, I decided we needed to try something else.
Parenting with your head can be hard for some of us. I know it has been for me, especially when my child apologizes with a big smooch. I somehow forget the punishment I just issued! But when it’s your head versus your heart, parenting with your head might be your strength. You don’t have time for whining or arguing, and your kids learn you mean business when you say, “Shoes on, now!” Your kids are generally well-behaved because you use logical and practical methods to teach your kids to do what they’re told.
But too much parenting with your head can have consequences, especially if parents become too harsh, make unrealistic demands, and show little kindness. For one, their kids may grow up to have difficulty sustaining romantic relationships.
Parenting With Your Heart
My daughter had her arms wrapped around me as I stood to go. “Can I show you something on your phone?” she pleaded. I gazed into her sweet face and my heart flipped. At 12, my daughter’s cuddling days might be numbered. I wavered only a moment, then flopped back on the couch and handed her my phone. She snuggled into my side and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled.
For many of us, parenting with “heart” is the easy part. We love our kids! Spending time with them and wanting to please them comes naturally. We give hugs freely and take them to LEGO conventions and American Girl Doll tea parties. But sometimes, we may be guilty of indulging them too much. “Fine, throw that candy bar into the cart.” “Sure, you can have a sleepover this weekend.” “An extra 15 minutes playing video games? I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
Sometimes, parenting with only your heart can be harmful. These kids may grow up struggling to live within their means and research says they’re more likely to have problems with drugs and alcohol.
Parenting With Head and Heart
Having rules, enforcing consequences, and being consistent with discipline all factor into parenting with your head. We all want our kids to be well-behaved, thoughtful, and kind individuals! But you’re going to be most effective if you do all the above with your heart involved. In other words, you want your child to know she’s loved, even if she’s sent to her room for shouting “I hate you!” A good way to build that strong relationship with your child is to spend lots of time with her.
Kids who grew up to be the most well-adjusted came from households where their moms showed reasonable strictness but were also loving. According to the authors of Common Sense Parenting, you need both to do the job well: your head and your heart. Remember my daughter with the sore toe at bedtime? I ended up giving her a big hug and kiss and told her we’d soak her foot in the morning. But guess what happened. The next day, she didn’t even mention the sore toe. Go figure!
Kids who grew up to be the most well-adjusted came from households where their moms showed reasonable strictness but were also loving. Click To TweetDo you find it harder to parent with your heart or your head?
