On a walk the other day with my dog, we passed a house with a work truck out front. I looked up to see a ladder leaning against the house and scaffolding leading all the way up to the chimney. I found it interesting that this particular house always needed repairs. The owners wanted to constantly make improvements. It made me think of parenting. At what point do we stop holding our kids up like scaffolding and let them stand on their own?
It’s the most natural thing in the world for a mother to want to help and support her children. Personally, I’ve found it really hard to step back when I see my kid struggle. But I’m learning that stepping back on occasion and being less of an overprotective parent might be better for kids in the long run. Here are 6 times when you should think twice before rescuing your child.
1. When He’s Processing Emotions
“I’m really worried!” my son said about an upcoming test. I wanted to tell him he’d be fine. “Why are you worried?” I asked instead. He said he wasn’t sure he knew the material. “What can you do about it?” He shook his head but said, “I can review it more before bed and then ask my teacher tomorrow.” Sometimes kids just need you to acknowledge their feelings and know you’re there for them. Working through his emotions also teaches your child to cope instead of jumping in and saving him from them.
2. When She’s Failing at Something
At the beginning of middle school, my daughter didn’t turn in a string of assignments. But I realized with the jump from elementary to middle school, she needed to learn more responsibility. It’ll be the same when she jumps to high school. Though I wanted to whip off an email to the teacher, I decided instead to teach my daughter how to write a polite email to her teacher. She learned accountability that year and with time, got her grade back to where it should be. She also learned useful communication skills in the process.
3. When He’s Feeling Uncomfortable
At the beginning of ninth grade, my son realized his best friend had a different lunch period. I knew I could make a call to a friend and hook him up with a group, but I didn’t. My kid had to figure this out himself. He decided to start with a new friend in English class by asking to meet up with him at lunch. Eventually, more guys joined their table. Now my son has a group of new friends he sits with each day. Don’t get me wrong—it took time. But my son resisted the urge to flee to the library and instead put himself in an uncomfortable situation until it worked.
4. When She’s Having Trouble Making a Decision
“Which elective are you gonna take?” I asked my daughter at the end of sixth grade. She loved art, but something about broadcast journalism had piqued her interest. “What do you think?” she tossed back at me. I shrugged. “Both have their merits, but I’m not the one who’s going to take the class. What would you rather do?” She ended up choosing broadcast journalism and it quickly became her favorite class in seventh grade. Because it turned out well, she gained confidence in her ability to make a good choice.
5. When We Want to Speak for Them
During the concert’s intermission, my daughter asked for a bottle of water, so we waited in line to get one. Finally, we stepped up to order and my daughter said nothing! I started to feel awkward with the long line behind us. “Order your water,” I whispered. It’s sometimes easier and quicker to speak for our kids: to order for them, make their request to the librarian, talk to a teacher or coach. But as tweens and teens, they’re not little kids anymore! They’re quickly becoming young adults and don’t need overprotective parents rescuing them. Let your child speak for herself so she gains confidence in her voice.
Let your child speak for herself so she gains confidence in her voice. Click To Tweet6. When They Deserve Consequences
My teen nephew had his phone taken away for a week. On Friday night, my nephew had a basketball game and wanted to go out with friends afterward. “I need my phone, Mom,” he said. She shook her head. “You can still go out with your friends, but no phone.” My sister-in-law knew he’d be safe with his friends, so that wasn’t an issue. She needed to keep her word so he knew she meant business. Sticking with consequences matters. Teens’ brains are still growing. Learning accountability now is better than when they’re learning it in their twenties.
How do overprotective parents limit their kids’ potential?
