“Can we take all of these books home?” my son asked, sitting beside a stack of books on Jupiter from the library’s space section. Call me ignorant, but I had no idea Jupiter had so many moons until I had my son. “Sure,” I told him. “What else do you want?” He smiled and selected a few books on Saturn, another gas giant. I admit, when I first got pregnant, I harbored hopes for a mini-me. But instead, I currently have two kids with a fascination in art, science, and history—interests I never had growing up. Through them, I’ve learned so much more about the world, and honestly, life’s been way more interesting parenting them than if I had little versions of me running around.
Our kids aren’t supposed to be carbon copies of us. The sooner we accept that, the better for everyone. To help you get to that place, here are 6 parenting questions you need to ask to raise the kid you got.
1. Am I treating her more like a wildflower or a bonsai tree?
Former Stanford dean and author Julie Lythcott-Haims explained in a TED Talk that while she counseled parents not to hover over their college kids, she did the same sort of helicopter parenting by micromanaging her own two children at home. But she learned kids “aren’t bonsai trees to be clipped and pruned to perfection.” Rather, she needed to treat her kids more like wildflowers—imperfect, wild, and beautiful in their own ways.
As Julie advises, if you want your child to be a doctor, but her gifts are in art, let her go where her gifts are. If you force your kid down a path she doesn’t want to take, she may end up miserable as an adult. Give her the freedom to explore her own interests.
2. Am I stepping in to fix everything?
With my firstborn, I’d often find myself telling him to let me help if he struggled with something like cutting up his waffles. My second child, on the other hand, would usually stop me from helping her by saying, “I can do it myself!” I finally realized I needed to stop helping my firstborn because he was just as capable.
Kids need the space to figure things out on their own and to accomplish things in their own unique ways. Even if they struggle or get frustrated, it’s OK. Encourage your child to discover his own way of doing something. Maybe it’s not the same way you’d do it, but that’s OK too. Your child needs to develop his own sense of self. If he stays dependent on you for everything, he won’t have the chance to figure out who he is without you.
3. Do you show interest in what your child likes?
I woke up in the dark one recent Saturday morning and drove my daughter and two friends to a robotics workshop 90 minutes away. I didn’t want to spend my day off at an engineering college, observing STEM activities. But I did it for her. If our kids know we support them, they’re going to be more inclined to follow their passions.
If our kids know we support them, they’re going to be more inclined to follow their passions. Click To Tweet4. Do you make all the choices for your kids?
I introduced my daughter to my sewing machine long ago, but she had no interest. So, I sewed what I wanted, and yes, I dressed us in matching shirts. But when she started to express interest in her own preferences, like “no more hairbows,” I begrudgingly let her make her own fashion choices. The sooner we start seeing our kids as individuals apart from us, the better. Another version of this parenting question might be: Do I allow my child to make simple choices without me?
5. Do you compare him to other kids or siblings?
Of course, we’ve all done this. I once mentioned Preston, a kid at my son’s school, and how he “had the neatest handwriting.” My son didn’t buckle down and write neater after that. Rather, he decided he didn’t like Preston—not what I wanted. Instead of comparing your child to another, accept him and his abilities where they are and work with him on them. I bought my kid a handwriting book that summer and checked for improvement each day.
6. Can you keep your ego out of parenting?
I signed up my daughter for volleyball camp last summer, thrilled beyond belief because I used to play it, coach it, and dream about it long after I stopped playing. But my daughter didn’t want to do it. I’ve never seen her more miserable than when she slid up her kneepads and climbed out of the car.
I’m trying to let go of my ego when my kids don’t like the things I like. Their choices are theirs, and not a reflection of me. I’m working on shifting the focus off me and to them. You can too. Let your child know you like her just the way she is. She needs self-esteem more than you need her to turn out exactly like you.
Are there other parenting questions we should add to this list?
