My daughter rested her head on my chest as I stroked her hair. She’d had a busy weekend at a robotics competition without much downtime. She’d caught a cold, and now her eyes had red circles beneath them, a sign of her exhaustion. I could hear my mom’s voice saying, “Kids go to school with colds all the time.” And I agreed. My kid hadn’t missed a day of school yet, but looking at my daughter now, I struggled to see how sending her today would be beneficial for anyone.
Have you had these internal struggles? There’s no road map on how to navigate all these little moments. But I’ve been one of those parents pushing their child too hard, and as the years have gone by, I’ve realized there are 5 times when we should just ease up.
1. Your kid’s worn out.
My son had his head down on the kitchen table. “Um, kiddo? You ready to go?” I asked, nudging his shoulder. If we didn’t leave soon, we’d be late. “We went yesterday,” he murmured. With taekwondo, we paid for unlimited lessons per month. I admit, I wanted my money’s worth. But would he benefit from going that night, looking like this?
Read your child’s body language and prioritize his physical and mental health. You know your child best. If he’s worn out, it might do more harm than good to push him.
Read your child’s body language and prioritize his physical and mental health. Click To Tweet2. Your kid’s willing to make a tough decision.
My family stood in line for a new, high-speed rollercoaster. My daughter pulsed with excitement, but my son—not so much. “Come on,” I said. “This is your one chance to ride this ride. You don’t want to leave Florida with any regrets, do you?” As we inched along in line, we all tried to convince my son he needed to experience this ride, but he assured us he didn’t want to do it. “I’m gonna jump out of line at the end,” he said. And he did. In the gift shop, he bought himself a mug, and that was that.
If your child’s going to make his own decision, it gives him the chance to experience any natural consequences that may pop up, whether it’s regret or something else. He can’t blame you for anything that goes wrong. And he’ll learn more from the benefits or consequences of his decision than he’ll learn if you push him into something he didn’t want to do.
3. Your kid’s track record is practically spotless.
In elementary school, my son hardly ever missed school. He knew making up missed schoolwork was a chore and hated getting behind. These days, if he says, “Mom, I don’t feel well,” like he did a couple weeks ago, I know he’s telling me the truth and really needs time off.
I’ve been one of those parents pushing their child too hard to go to school and attend lessons and other commitments when he or she didn’t feel up for it. But if your kid is pretty conscientious, missing one day of practice or school won’t matter much. Giving him your trust and supporting him with the tough decision to stay behind matters more.
4. Your kid wants to quit something.
“I decided not to push Marne,” my friend said. Apparently, the softball team had gotten cliquey, and Marne hated going to practice because of it. There are many reasons kids might want to quit something. Sometimes it’s better for a child to be allowed to quit than to push her to do something that makes her miserable.
Parents pushing their child too hard might miss the real reason a kid wants to quit. Slow down to listen to her and find out what’s really going on.
5. You just want to prioritize family time.
“We met Mickey and Minnie!” my friend Alyse texted along with an adorable picture of her first-grader grinning ear to ear. Alyse pulled her daughter out of school for a week and returned to Michigan with happy memories to make it through the winter slog. Her story made me wish I’d pulled my kids out of school back then for a big, fun trip. But at the time, I was too worried about the kids missing assignments. Now I look back and think, first grade! Come on!
Easing up on rules and schedules every now and then isn’t a bad idea. It might be exactly what you and your family need. Just don’t be too hard on yourself in the process.
Parents pushing their child too hard can make life harder for everyone. When’s it OK to ease up?
