My daughter rested her head on my chest as I stroked her hair. She’d had a busy weekend at a robotics competition without much downtime. She’d caught a cold, and now her eyes had red circles beneath them, a sign of her exhaustion. I could hear my mom’s voice saying, “Kids go to school with colds all the time.” And I agreed. My kid hadn’t missed a day of school yet, but looking at my daughter now, I struggled to see how sending her today would be beneficial for anyone.
Have you had these internal struggles? There’s no road map on how to navigate all these little moments. But I’ve been one of those parents pushing their child too hard, and as the years have gone by, I’ve realized there are 5 times when we should just ease up.
1. Your kid’s worn out.
The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that overscheduling puts kids at risk for burnout and that pushing through exhaustion often leads to persistent fatigue, poor sleep, and mood changes. In fact, the AAP recommends kids take at least one or two days off from sports and structured activities every week. Rest is how growing bodies recover.
Read your child’s body language and prioritize his physical and mental health. You know your child best. If he’s worn out, it might do more harm than good to push him.
2. Your kid’s willing to make a tough decision.
My family stood in line for a new, high-speed rollercoaster. My daughter pulsed with excitement, but my son—not so much. “Come on,” I said. “You don’t want to leave Florida with any regrets, do you?” He assured us he didn’t want to do it. “I’m gonna jump out of line at the end,” he said. And he did. In the gift shop, he bought himself a mug, and that was that.
Letting him make that call did more than end the debate. Researchers call this autonomy support, and a meta-analysis published in Educational Psychology Review found that kids whose parents let them make their own decisions get better grades, try harder, and are mentally healthier.
If your child’s going to make his own decision, it gives him the chance to experience any natural consequences that may pop up, whether it’s regret or something else. He can’t blame you for anything that goes wrong. And he’ll learn more from the benefits or consequences of his decision than he’ll learn if you push him into something he didn’t want to do.
3. Your kid’s track record is practically spotless.
In elementary school, my son hardly ever missed school. He knew making up missed schoolwork was a chore and hated getting behind. These days, if he says, “Mom, I don’t feel well,” like he did a couple weeks ago, I know he’s telling me the truth and really needs time off.
I’ve been one of those parents pushing their child too hard to go to school and attend lessons and other commitments when he or she didn’t feel up for it. But if your kid is pretty conscientious, missing one day of practice or school won’t matter much. Giving him your trust and supporting him with the tough decision to stay behind matters more.
4. Your kid wants to quit something.
“I decided not to push Maeve,” my friend said. Apparently, the softball team had gotten cliquey, and Maeve hated going to practice because of it. There are many reasons kids might want to quit something. Sometimes it’s better for a child to be allowed to quit than to push her to do something that makes her miserable.
Parents pushing their child too hard might miss the real reason a kid wants to quit. Slow down to listen to her and find out what’s really going on.
5. You just want to prioritize family time.
Easing up on rules and schedules every now and then isn’t a bad idea. Researchers looked at more than 9,500 American kids and found that the ones who took family vacations were simply happier with their lives. It didn’t matter how much money the family had.
A family vacation, or even just a weekend without planned activities, might be exactly what you and your family need. Just don’t be too hard on yourself in the process.
Parents pushing their child too hard can make life harder for everyone. When’s it OK to ease up?
