A friend of mine has been a single mom for 40 years, and it’s really taken a toll on her. I noticed the strain one day when I mentioned that my ex-husband attends parent-teacher conferences. She said, “My kids’ father never lifted a finger to help with school.” As she said it, I saw her expression darken, so I said, “That was decades ago. Why are you hanging onto it?”
She looked at me and said, “The things that made life tough never let up, so I couldn’t let go.” But her kids are grown now. It’s just that so many years of thinking negatively has reshaped her mind and heart. Much like the way the Grand Canyon was carved out by flowing water, these attitudes made pathways where her thoughts now automatically go. If you feel the same pathways forming inside you, try giving up these 3 “S” mindsets of a single mom.
1. Settling
One mindset of a single mom that can lead to unhealthy thoughts and choices is that you have to settle for a life that’s less fulfilling or joyful than a married mom’s life. There’s no denying that finances and time are strained in most single-parent families, but settling is an attitude, not a reality. I didn’t settle by choosing to live in an older neighborhood with less expensive houses. I chose to pay less for my mortgage so I could free up money for other things.
The cure for a “settle” mindset is gratitude. “I had to settle for a used car” becomes “I’m glad I have reliable transportation.”
2. Suffering
Do kids thrive in a home with two parents? Yes. But are they constantly suffering because you’re a single mom? Hardly. Kids of single parents do often have to make sacrifices other children their age don’t. Sometimes they carry emotions that are a lot for a kid, but your family identity, routines, traditions, and love are all pouring into your children and forming the adults they will someday be.
The cure for a “suffering” mindset as a single mom is to be attentive. Every human being experiences suffering. You’re in a unique position to connect with your children and help them process and feel their feelings. Same goes for you. Being attentive to your own emotions can help you use your suffering for good, like having compassion for others.
3. Spiteful
If you’ve been hurt, you have grounds for being angry, and over time, that can easily morph into spite. But that mindset as a single mom isn’t getting you anywhere, and it’s not helping your kids. I think many women have convinced themselves that letting go of anger is equivalent to pretending like the offense never happened in the first place. It’s not. Releasing the resentment is a gift to yourself, not to him.
I wish I could’ve talked to my friend 40 years ago and encouraged her then to replace her spiteful mindset with a loving one. She could stop the negative thoughts from forming those deep canyons where all of her emotions would later have no choice but to flow. But it’s not too late for her or you to change your way of thinking. You’re choosing to love yourself when you let go of spite and move forward with forgiveness and freedom from anger.
You’re choosing to love yourself when you let go of spite and move forward with forgiveness and freedom from anger. Click To TweetOne More “S” I Had a Hard Time Releasing
Sinful. I thought God was upset with me or that I’d failed Him because of my divorce. I know God hates divorce for the pain and wounds it causes the ones He loves. But God doesn’t hate me or you, and He’s not mad at us. Not everyone deals with this internal struggle, but it took a lot of prayer and counseling for me to let go of the guilt I felt for getting a divorce. If you’re hanging on to that mindset as a single mom, ask for forgiveness for the things you’ve done that contributed to where you are now, and then let it go.
What actions have you taken to let go of some of these mindsets?
