“And he went out to lunch with coworkers today!” I cringed as my friend Alicia vented to me about her husband’s freedom. With a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old, she has few moments of the day when she’s not being tugged, hugged, sucked, or spit up on. Even though she’s tired and wouldn’t have the energy to go out for lunch anyway, she admits she’s resentful of her husband for getting eight hours a day away from the kids.
If you have a newborn or a toddler and feel a nagging bitterness toward your husband, you’re not alone. According to research by marriage expert John Gottman, 67% of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet after having a baby. But an unhappy marriage after a baby isn’t inevitable, especially if you release some negative feelings you’re harboring. Here are 4 feelings of resentment you might have and ways to turn them around.
1. He doesn’t have to wake for late night feedings.
When I had my first child, friends advised us to divide and conquer the overnights. If Mommy nurses, Daddy changes the diaper and puts the baby back down to sleep. But that didn’t make sense to me. Why should we both be tired?
Release the resentment by reframing overnight feedings. You’re going to share this child in so many other ways throughout her life. The dark, quiet nights are a precious time for just the two of you. Talk to her. Tell her your prayers and dreams for her. Just look at her (if you can keep your eyes open), and take in all her features. Avoid an unhappy marriage after a baby by agreeing that your husband flies solo with the kids for 30 minutes every day so you can nap.
2. His body hasn’t gone through the wringer.
Have you looked in the mirror and seen a body you don’t recognize? Does something still hurt when you laugh or pee? Or have you experienced a new level of pain when your baby latches on to nurse? These are all ways moms sacrifice their bodies for their babies. Meanwhile, your husband has barely had a disruption to his gym routine.
Release the resentment by finding ways to care for your body and reward it for the work it’s done. Don’t keep it a secret from your husband that you feel like you’re having an out-of-body experience. Let him make you a healthy meal or give you a massage (or sacrifice a round of golf so you can go get a professional massage). Remind yourself of the ways your body participated in a miracle!
3. There’s not as much pressure on him.
When babies cry, no one looks at the dad with judgmental stares. It’s always the mom. There’s a lot of pressure from society, friends, strangers, the internet, our mothers, our mothers-in-law to be perfect. Or if you have to be imperfect, be imperfect in an acceptable way.
Release the resentment by talking to your husband about what you’re feeling. “You can take our toddler out in his pajamas, and people think it’s funny. If I do it, I get eye rolls.” Tell him you need him to counter some of the pressure you’re feeling with encouraging words that remind you of the amazing work you’re doing just by loving your baby. It’s OK to ask for more encouragement from your husband. It still counts, even if you have to tell him.
4. Everything has changed for you.
Every part of your life is touched by motherhood. Your body, your friendships, your hormones, your job, your faith, your… everything. This tiny person has changed it all. It’s easy to be bitter toward your husband for getting to do wild things like have adult conversations and go to the bathroom alone like he did in the pre-baby days.
Release the resentment and avoid an unhappy marriage after a baby by letting your husband help more. Tell him what you need, and let him do things the way that works for him. And don’t ignore the feelings that come with the invisible load of motherhood. Being a mom (even a mom of an infant) requires you to carry a lot, but it’s a burden that comes with the greatest blessings. You’ll never consider only yourself again, but when you think about it, that’s pretty incredible.
Don’t ignore the feelings that come with the invisible load of motherhood. Click To TweetWhy have you resented your husband after having a baby? How did you let it go?
