Respected marriage expert John Gottman says that to show contempt is one of the clearest indicators that a marriage is not going to survive. Contempt may seem like such a strong word that you dismiss the thought of it being a problem in your relationship. Maybe you don’t even understand what contempt looks like in a marriage. I don’t think I did for a long time.
Take a moment to ask yourself if you’ve ever shown disrespect or disdain or looked down on your husband. Have you been scornful for some reason? If so, you should know these are all expressions of contempt to one degree or another. Are there other hidden forms of contempt creeping into your marriage? Here are 7 warning signs that you show contempt for your husband.
1. Interrupting Him
Too many times, we don’t really listen to other people to learn what they think and feel; we are just waiting for an opportunity to break in and tell them what we think. This communicates that their thoughts and feelings don’t really matter—that it’s all about you.
2. Constantly Disagreeing With Him
When a husband and wife don’t see eye to eye on something, it’s easy for one to start to view the other person as an opponent to overcome. Rather than engaging in conversation, we correct what he has to say and explain why he is wrong (as far as we are concerned). This is belittling. It says he is stupid or foolish.
3. Criticizing Him
Disagreeing with someone on an issue is bad enough, but it gets worse when we make things personal. “Why would you think that?” isn’t really a question so much as a hidden statement. Think for a moment how often criticism is couched in a rhetorical question. “You’re not really going to wear that tonight, are you?” Over time, through repeated criticism—one of 4 Communication Habits to Avoid in Your Marriage—we tell our husbands we don’t like or accept them the way they are.
Think for a moment how often criticism is couched in a rhetorical question. Click To Tweet4. Finishing His Sentences
At one level, this may be positive. Finishing your husband’s sentences shows you are listening to him and demonstrates that you understand and know what he thinks and feels about a subject or situation. But sometimes, it communicates irritation—that you just want him to hurry up and finish what he has to say so you can speak instead. It assumes he doesn’t have something new to tell you or you think he needs your help to communicate clearly.
5. Making Fun of Him
Playful teasing is part of the spice and glue of a loving marriage, but it can become a way of tearing down—especially when it is done in front of others. This kind of passive-aggressive put-down is one of 7 Things You Should Stop Doing to Your Spouse in Public.
6. Communicating Nonverbal Negatives
Sometimes it’s not the words we use but the tone of voice and body language that can be damaging. If, while you’re in the car together, your husband is talking and your arms are crossed, your knees are pointed toward the door, and you’re looking out the window, you’re showing contempt with your body, and you’re showing that you’re not open to conversation.
7. Redoing What He’s Done
No one likes to be corrected all the time. So he didn’t load the dishwasher quite the way you think it should be done, or the kids’ outfits he picked out aren’t what you would’ve picked. Following behind him and redoing his task treats him like a child. Does it really matter that his way is a little different?
None of these seven things necessarily means you are treating your husband with contempt. But when these things become a pattern or a habit rather than an exception, you should be concerned, as it could be the symptom of some deeper issues in your marriage that need to be resolved. The good news is, there’s a way to counter contempt. It’s by showing respect. That can be really hard for many wives, especially if their husbands aren’t as involved, loving, or attentive as they want them to be.
It’s also important to mention that for some women, contempt is a response to abuse from their partner. Listen to your body and your instincts and ask if the contempt you’re showing is because of the layers of emotion that build from abuse, gaslighting, or manipulation. If you think you’re in an unsafe marriage, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.
In what ways do you see your husband show contempt or vice versa?
