There’s a lot of talk on social media about moms not being big fans of putting kids in timeout. They see it as ineffective both as a discipline method and as a way to help children learn to regulate their emotions. Some moms say that expecting children to solve problems alone in timeout is unrealistic and that taking a break is another option to consider.
Moms who prefer taking a break say it allows more of a focus on the heart. In taking a break, the parent’s role is similar to that of the prodigal son’s father, who waited with open arms for his son to return. The ultimate goal of taking a break is changing the child’s heart, which ultimately leads to a change in behavior. If you want to try taking a break, here’s a four-step approach you can use.
1. Quickly start taking a break after misbehavior.
By taking a break right away, your child can connect her behavior with the break. At that point, you can briefly say, “Olivia, that was unkind. Let’s take a break.” If your child is old enough to understand, you can add, “Come and see me when you’re ready to try again.” The goal is to help your child settle and eventually learn to regulate her emotions. When she does come back, give her a big hug and praise her.
2. Stay calm as you set a break in motion.
It’s important to remain calm and matter-of-fact as you move through the process. This allows the child to focus on the offense instead of your anger. Children look to parents to help them learn to regulate their own emotions, so if you stay calm, she’ll have a better chance of getting there sooner.
And it’s OK for your child to see you taking your own break, breathing deeply, or just going about your activities without anger or irritation.
3. Choose an appropriate location for taking a break.
The best location for a break is away from any activity or stimulation. Choose a cozy spot, as long as it’s safe for your child to be there on his own. His room full of toys is probably not ideal. It’s best to choose a neutral place where a child can become calm, think without distraction, and feel motivated to return to you.
4. Ignore protests, excuses, and tantrums
Some children resist taking a break and want to have a verbal battle. Resist when you can. Because little children are still learning to regulate their emotions, going back and forth with you while they’re still upset will further upset them and you. So, ignore the tantrum or begging and keep the extra stimulation to a minimum. Simply say, “I hear you, and we’ll talk about it after you take a break.”
Your child might look to you for reassurance during his break. He might say something like, “I love you, Mommy.” It’s OK to respond and check in with him. “I love you too. Are you feeling more calm?” Just don’t get into a back-and-forth.
As your child gets older, he’ll learn the value of settling down and making heart-level changes. You may not see those kinds of results when your child is small, but keep at it, and over time he’ll grow into a person who can respond well to correction and regulate his emotions.
How to discipline our kids is always a big decision. What has been your most effective method of discipline?
Dr. Scott Turansky is an author and speaker known for his heartfelt parenting approach. He offers moms practical, real-life advice for many of parenting’s greatest challenges and is the founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting.
