“I don’t like this dinner,” she pouted, accusation firing from her eyes in my direction.
“That’s not true. Pasta is one of your favorites.”
“But Mom,” she wailed, “I only like it sometimes. Not tonight.”
“Well, if you want dessert, then you have to eat it.”
She nearly knocked me backward with a high-pitched shriek: “Noooooooooo!”
The situation quickly devolved into a power struggle. The wailing, screaming, begging, and accusing consumed our family dinner. That’s when I knew I had a threenager. I was exhausted, confused over what to do, and fearful this time would permanently mar our relationship. My husband and I talked to our friends for advice and then sat down and made some concrete plans. Though we still struggle, consistently using these 4 strategies has greatly helped our collective family sanity.
1. Visible Structure and Boundaries
Three-year-olds thrive on structure—they want to know where the boundaries are so they can feel safe. When the boundaries you’ve set for them are clear, they’ll know when punishment is justified. Maintaining consistency can be extremely difficult. When I don’t, cue the shrieks of “that’s not faaaaaaair!” Intentional structure, painful though it can be, creates a more peaceful home for us.
Three-year-olds thrive on structure—they want to know where the boundaries are so they can feel safe. Click To TweetOne of the greatest times of struggle is when we’re trying to get out the door. My threenager wants to do everything independently, but she usually won’t do it in a timely manner or the way I instruct. So, we introduced a listening chart. I draw a star on the chart every time my gal obeys instructions right away. For each star, she gets to choose a sticker. She loves those immediate rewards and I will spend as much money on stickers as it takes to achieve that level of cooperation! (Fortunately, stickers are cheap.) iMOM’s printable rewards charts are perfect for this! Just pick the crown or the helmet and start tracking your child’s good choices. 
We also introduced a checkmark chart on the fridge. She gets a checkmark for each instance of willful disobedience. Each mark carries a discipline (losing treats, timeouts, etc.) She gets immediate, visible feedback and clear consequences from wrongdoing with this system. On days when she behaves well, she’s proud to show daddy the checkmark-free fridge when he comes home and to receive lots of positive affirmation!
2. Intentional One-on-One Time
My threenager has an older brother, and this year she got a little sister. As the recently dethroned baby of the family, she feels the need for more of my attention than I can possibly give her. So, it’s essential for me to regularly give her focused one-on-one time when she gets to choose and direct the activity. After finding out what a spa was, she wanted to do a spa day with me. So I let her pick out candy and we painted our nails together. That time was beneficial for me, too! I loved enjoying our relationship in a power struggle-free zone.
3. Picking Your Battles
How many times have the words “Do _____ as I say, or else _____,” flown out of my mouth before I fully considered the consequence? Many. Once I make a stand, I have to follow through. Learn from my mistakes: Choose your battles wisely and let the rest go! Remember that many aspects of your child’s life are out of her control, so giving her choices helps her feel in control. Yes, she does have to wear boots instead of sandals in the snow. But if she wants to wear her favorite shirt covered in stains around the house instead of the cute new top I bought her, I set aside my “mother knows best” pride and let her wear it.
4. Emoji Cards
My daughter adores emojis. She’ll text a massive string of them to my mom several times a week! She can easily understand the feelings they convey. One day, I was struck by inspiration: I drew simple emoji faces on flashcards. When she’s struggling with big feelings, I pull out the cards and ask her to pick which ones she’s feeling. Not only does it give her expression for the emotions she can’t articulate, but she also feels heard and understood when I empathize with them. Sometimes the cards de-escalate situations instantly. Then, we can be on the same team without changing external circumstances. If you don’t have time to make the flashcards, print iMOM’s Feel Wheel.
What’s your best strategy for surviving the threenager phase?
