My friend Claire and I sat on a park bench while our daughters played in the sandbox. The sun had emerged from the hazy summer fog, and I closed my eyes, tilting my face upward. “You know what we should do?” Claire asked, her tone mischievous like it always was before she pitched a crazy idea. “Leave the kids with our husbands and go to New York City for the weekend. Wouldn’t that be fun?” I opened one eye and peered at my friend as she looped her arm through the crook of my elbow. I adored Claire. We’d been close friends since our babies crawled over to each other in a playgroup. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but truthfully, I’d rather take a getaway with my husband than from him.
Claire had two colicky babies in three years and more problems in the bedroom than I needed to know. I started to wonder if her husband should hear more about her woes than I did. I think we’ve all been a little like Claire at times, but if it’s been going on too long, maybe it’s time to step back and ponder the health of your marriage. Maybe it’s time to make some changes. Here are 5 signs you’re treating others better than your spouse.
1. You confide in others more than your husband.
When you have good news to share, who do you tell first? When my husband’s busy at work, I’ll call my mom. Sometimes, she and I will even text throughout the day. But for the big stuff, I make my husband the priority. He deserves to know how I feel so he has the first chance to be a friend and a good listener. Without opportunities to do so, the emotional gap can widen.
2. When you have free time, you choose to spend it with your friends.
I never went on that trip with Claire, but a couple years later, she rounded up some friends and they went to Vegas. I later studied the pictures—all strappy dresses and margarita glasses—and felt a smidgen of envy. A girls’ trip is not a bad thing, but don’t save all your fun for your friends. A happy marriage needs fun times too. If spending time with the girls is consistently your preference over time with your husband, it might be a sign you’re treating others better than your spouse, and maybe you should ask yourself why.
3. You include your friends in all your family activities.
Before I got married, my friend Hannah and her husband always had me over to hang out in the evenings. I enjoyed having a seat at the dinner table and felt pretty VIP later at her kids’ births and baptisms. But now that I have my own family, I have a hard time thinking I’d bring a single girl into the fold. Hannah and I are still friends, but unfortunately, she and her husband divorced years ago. Spending time with girlfriends is important, but a marriage needs to retain certain boundaries to keep it intact.
4. You celebrate your friends’ milestones more than your husband’s.
Your friend just turned 30 (or 40 or 50). How do you celebrate? I have an acquaintance who surprised her BFF by decorating her car overnight. When her friend awoke in the morning, she found balloons, posters, and confetti covering her Chevy. Do you go out of your way to celebrate your husband? Or do you put more effort into your girlfriends’ milestones? Treating others better than your spouse can have a negative impact on your marriage. Try remembering why you chose your husband in the first place and make it a priority to continue to celebrate your union with every milestone. Show him he’s worth the effort (and maybe he’ll reciprocate too).
Show your husband he’s worth the effort (and maybe he’ll reciprocate too). Click To Tweet5. When your friends are going through a rough patch, it affects your home life more than it should.
Claire told me her husband wasn’t home enough to help with the kids. When he got off work, he’d go for a run, and on the weekends, he’d be gone for hours, training for a marathon. I listened to her talk about her husband for weeks and eventually realized that her problems were seeping into my own life because I’d started to scrutinize my own husband’s choices. I needed to step back—for her benefit and mine.
What are some other signs you might be treating others better than your spouse?
