“It’s not my fault you’re insecure!” my 15-year-old daughter spouted as she flew out the front door. I was left staring at the door, feeling the sting of the arrow she had just strategically shot at my heart. Dang.
I knew I shouldn’t take it personally, but what my daughter said hurt; bitterness was taking root in my heart. I knew there had to be a better way of handling the junk mean teens tend to dish out. Here are 5 things to do when your teen is being mean to you.
1. Repeat to yourself that “this is part of growing up.”
You may have heard this before, but it bears repeating: Our preteens and teens not only are speaking from a reactive part of the brain that is underdeveloped until the early to mid-20s), but they’re also trying to establish independence.
Good news: This is a very normal phase. Bad news: This phase won’t end all by itself. You, the mom, need to help your teen understand how his or her mean words and actions affect people. It’s tough work, but you’ll be rewarded with an adult relationship based on mutual respect. So keep up your end of the deal—modeling what respect should look like.
2. Communicate your pain, but very precisely.
If you are anything like me, I stuff and stuff my frustration until it explodes. After all, it’s not easy to be called dumb, ridiculous, or annoying. You’re human, and you will have human responses. So sometimes the best thing for our teens is not to keep silent, but to teach them that it does hurt.
The key is to do it with precision. Use an “I feel” statement like, “Hey, I feel hurt when you talk to me that way.” You can also ask a teen to “try that again”—even model what that might sound like. This will help teens in the long run with future relationships. But remember, less is more with teens (aside from maybe pizza and Starbucks).
3. Take a minute to remember what you were like at this exact age.
Seriously—close your eyes and picture yourself. What did you look like? What were you into? Who were you hanging out with? How did you feel about your parents? How did you talk to them?
Just this last question alone softens me every time. I wasn’t very nice to my mom and dad, at least not all the time. I still remember feeling annoyed at having restrictions. Sometimes I was downright nasty, and they didn’t deserve it. When I stop to remember myself as a teen, I can rediscover compassion for my own teenager.
When I stop to remember myself as a teen, I can rediscover compassion for my own teenager. Click To Tweet4. Play interpreter.
When teens are rude, it’s sometimes their abrasive way of communicating they need some space. That said, it can come out just about as gentle as a slap in the face! So you will have to act as the interpreter. Here’s an example.
Teen says: “Do you have to breathe so loudly? Do you ever knock? Could everyone just stop interrupting me for two minutes?”
Interpretation: “Mom, things aren’t going well right now, and I need some space to figure it out if that’s OK with you.”
It’s important to keep in mind that our teens are on a daily rollercoaster ride, fueled by their vacillating hormones and egocentric developmental stage—both of which they have little control over. However, while this gives us perspective, it doesn’t give them a free pass to say hurtful things.
5. Distract yourself.
When a friend of mine first told me this, I thought this was shallow advice. But I realized she was right. I could either obsess over my teen’s mean words or actions, replaying the scene in my mind, hoping to come to a solution (which was ever-elusive), or I could distract myself. I see it as getting off that rollercoaster my teen is on.
Because if I don’t get off, by the afternoon, I feel emotionally spent and full of dread, remorse, or anger. However, with a healthy distraction, I can put the whole thing aside for a while. I’ll do yard work with my earbuds in, get my nails done, or read a good book. Later in the day, I feel refreshed and ready to see my daughter again.
How do you handle it when your teen is being mean?
