“I’m sorry. You need to do what?” I asked, looking up from my computer, confused. I had to ask my preteen to repeat herself when she bounced into the room and told me she needed to approve her clothes before I bought them. For years, I have been solely in charge of choosing and purchasing everything she needed. Suddenly, she’s an eighth grader insisting she text me screenshots of her clothing choices for shopping. In that moment, I knew we had reached the point I’d been dreading. The last baby is no longer a baby. She is a maturing preteen.
Depending on the day, moms might either relish being needed or just want to be left alone. But when our kids reach a point where they need us less as preteens, we tend to struggle. We long for the little people who clung to us to emerge once more. There’s a healthy way to approach your kids growing up—grow with them. Here are 7 ways to walk alongside your kids as they grow.
1. Find common ground.
I don’t like watching endless YouTube videos. Organizing isn’t something my daughter finds fun. However, we both love music. Music is that one thing we need in our everyday lives. Together, we create playlists we can both enjoy and blast them as we play Wiffle ball in the back yard.
2. Listen to their ideas.
Kids develop clever ideas as their minds grow and explore the world—things our parent brains shudder even to think about. My daughter insists that strapping on skates helps her clean the driveway and sidewalks better and faster. All I picture is landing on my butt! Listen to those strange ideas and encourage them because they need us to foster their creativity.
3. Give feedback in a constructive way.
No one likes criticism, kids included. When your kids share their out-of-the-box ideas with you, don’t tell them it’s weird or how you think it could be done better. Give them positive feedback that will enhance their idea and result in more out-of-the-box thinking. My daughter loves creating crazy stories and asking for my input on her drafts. It’s one more way we connect.
4. Ask their opinions and discuss them.
Decision-making is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. Asking your kids for their input helps them to build those decision-making skills. When they give their input, ask them how they came up with the idea. Chances are, their thought process will make you examine your own way of thinking.
5. Live a day in their shoes.
Mom and Dad are often accused of not knowing what it’s like to live their kids’ lives. I had my preteen daughter write out an entire day in her life, in detail, and I lived it with her. I followed her day, step-by-step, alongside her, right down to the math enhancement she hates to do. It was an interesting glimpse of what her day looks like while I’m off doing mom things, and it gave me a better understanding of how her mind works.
6. Remember they still need your guidance.
Yes, I did accept the clothing list, but I still vetoed items I felt were inappropriate. My kids are growing and changing, but I’m still Mom, and they still need me to guide them at times. I pulled back my need to control her choices while easing her toward sound decisions.
7. Ask an obnoxious number of questions
Kids will balk, moan, and whine when you begin asking questions about their lives. Kids growing up start to shelter and hide parts of themselves, and getting information out of them is akin to gleaning knowledge from the CIA. Keep asking those questions despite the protests. On the surface, they’ll complain, but deep down they’ll be glad you are showing an interest in the people they’re becoming.
Moms and dads don’t like to admit their kids are growing up. We turn nostalgic when we come across a picture of the smaller, more cooperative versions of our kids. We have to accept they are going to grow up. Growing with them makes all the difference.
What is one wild idea your child has had that you actually loved?
