My twins wanted to go to Great Wolf Lodge, so I said yes, even though I couldn’t afford it. Saying no triggered the thought, “You’re not good enough because you’re a single mom.” A few days after the trip, I checked my bank account and realized I didn’t have enough money to cover my bills that month. Tears filled my eyes as I reviewed which upcoming activities I could cancel and which items I could return. I felt like a failure and like I was letting my children down.
Being a single mom can be tough, but financial shame can make it harder. It can even put your health at risk. For your mental and physical well-being, it’s worth it to work toward overcoming financial shame. Here are 4 ways to help you do that.
1. Show yourself kindness.
When I realized I would be short financially that month, I started to beat myself up. I thought about all the ways I believed I was a failure in my finances and other areas of my life. By the time I was done, I felt worthless.
When you’re unkind to yourself, it’s often because you don’t think you’re worthy of kindness. Focusing on kindness instead of negative self-talk will help you see the good things about yourself and strengthen your self-worth. For example, you are a beautiful mom who shows up daily to love and care for your child. Showing yourself kindness will help you become more confident and start to believe you are worthy and capable of managing your finances.
Single mothers: You are worthy and capable of managing your finances. Click To Tweet2. Don’t compare yourself to others.
As I scrolled social media, I saw families going on vacations, buying new things, and doing fun things around the city. I saw their smiling faces, and jealousy began to fill me as I compared my financial situation to their pictures.
Comparison can fuel shame and make you think you’re not a good enough mom. This can lead to a cycle of emotional spending to overcompensate for how you feel, which only makes your situation worse. Instead of comparison, remind yourself that you are the right mom for your child, and you don’t have to be like those other people because what you give the world and your family is unique. Focus on what you can do and not on what you can’t. That’ll help you stop the comparison and deal with financial shame.
3. Face your finances.
I was afraid to check my bank balance, make a budget, or review my bills. My credit score dropped, collection calls began, and multiple overdraft fees hit my account, putting me further behind. I began to question if I was smart enough to manage my finances. I felt unqualified and it seemed like it was impossible for things to get better for me.
When you believe you’re incapable of managing your finances and that financial freedom isn’t possible for you, it’s tempting to avoid it altogether. Instead of shame, take a deep breath and say, “I can do this.” Facing your finances should lead you to create a budget, which will help you manage your money well. If you need help, ask your church, community center, or library if there is a free program that can help you learn budgeting basics.
4. Examine your motivations.
I spoke to a single mom who struggled so much with overspending that she was at risk of being evicted. She told me she shopped to compensate for feelings of unworthiness since her husband didn’t stay in the marriage. She hoped the items she purchased would help her to feel beautiful instead of feeling rejected. That worked at first, but then the shameful thoughts crept in when she realized she spent her rent money.
Overspending can be a sign you’re trying to mask real feelings. Before you buy, ask yourself what is really motivating the purchase. A therapist can help you if you find you can’t quite name what you’re looking for when you click “add to cart” or when that package arrives on your doorstep. Self-discovery and awareness is a huge step in breaking the cycle of shame so you can find joy.
How can you overcome financial shame so you can improve your finances?
