I just finished reading a book with a single mom main character. Before finding out she was pregnant, her baby’s father tragically died. Years later, in elementary school, when the little girl had to produce a family photo, the only one she had was at her father’s funeral, her still growing in her mom’s belly. Her photo stood out from the rest of the students’.
Sometimes the reason a dad isn’t in the picture is straightforward, and other times, it’s really complicated, but no matter why your kids have an absent father, you can say things to bring them comfort. Here are 5 ways to talk about it.
1. Be prepared with what details you want to share.
The husband of a woman I know tragically died by suicide while her kids were very young. I wondered how and when she was going to explain this to her poor children. Death is not the reason behind most absent fathers, but your situation might be too complex or emotional for your kids to handle. It’s smart to practice your answers before the questions come up. You shouldn’t lie, but tell the truth in a way that’s age appropriate and safe for them to hear.
2. Don’t shut down the conversation.
It might be hard to talk about, but if your children bring up their dad, reacting in anger or saying that “we don’t need to talk about him” will only make the wound deeper. A study in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that having an absent father during early childhood is associated with greater levels of depression in early adulthood. Ignoring the pain and confusion of a father’s absence doesn’t make it go away. Let your kids talk about it, and seek counseling to get a professional’s help.
Ignoring the pain and confusion of a father’s absence doesn’t make it go away. Click To Tweet3. Validate their feelings.
Your kids might have invented a super-dad image of their father. They might cry because they’re sad other kids have a dad who comes to watch their games. They might be angry and want to punch a pillow. Whatever they’re feeling, don’t tell them they’re wrong. Listen and echo their statements by saying things like “I hear that you’re angry that your dad doesn’t show up. You’re right to feel that way.”
4. Allow them to take the steps they’re comfortable with.
When your kids get older, they may want to talk about their dad more. They might even want to contact him. You can let them take the lead on this. Don’t push, and don’t forbid. If they aren’t already in therapy, this is a great time to get them into it.
A friend let her teenage daughter reach out to her dad to invite him to her graduation. He had resorted to just sending a card on birthdays. She knew his character and that her daughter would probably be let down. She was right. He didn’t even return her calls. Watching your children get their hearts broken is one of the most difficult parts of being a mom, but it’s important that you’re there to pick up the pieces.
5. Reassure them of your love.
Kids are very self-centered. It’s how their brains are wired. Psychologists call it self-referential thinking. Your kids might think their dad left because he didn’t love them enough or the parenting stress drove him away. Moms, it’s your job to double down on words of love and affirmation. You get to be their cheerleader, their champion, and their advocate. Point out your kids’ strengths and what you love about them, and encourage other close adults to join you.
What questions have your kids asked about their dad? How did you respond?
