When I was younger, I knew someone who would regularly sneak out of her house to meet her boyfriend. One night, she was late for their rendezvous, and her boyfriend came to the house to get her. He could see a shadow in her room, so he began to yell for her when she didn’t respond to his knocking. When that didn’t work, he began to yell at her. Finally, the window slid open, but it wasn’t his girlfriend looking out at him. It was her mother.
Did you have a friend who regularly snuck out at night? Maybe you were that friend. But now that you’re a mother yourself, you dread the day that you catch your teen sneaking out. There are good ways and bad ways to handle it. Here are 5 things to do if you catch your teen sneaking out.
1. Don’t overreact.
Chances are, you’re catching your teen in the wee hours of the morning (unless you were lucky enough to catch her when she was trying to make her escape). If you’re already tired, send her to bed and then go to sleep yourself. You’ll feel calmer and more prepared to handle the situation when you wake up in the morning. As the saying goes, nothing good happens after 2 a.m. (or is it midnight?), so the best thing you can do after catching your child is to go to bed.
2. Set house rules early.
If your teen knows exactly what to expect if he breaks a rule, he might think twice before actually committing the crime. Teens who have no idea what consequences to expect will honestly believe that their actions might not have any. Most teens just assume they won’t get caught sneaking out, but if you’ve already laid out the consequences, your child might be more likely to consider the possibility that his scheming is not as foolproof as he thinks.
3. Discipline using related consequences.
If you’ve already laid out the consequences, don’t back down if your teen gets mad. She knew what would happen if she got caught sneaking out, and she risked it anyway. The consequences should logically follow the behavior, though. Instead of taking away electronics or some other similar but unrelated punishment, consider setting curfews, taking away vehicles, or limiting interactions with friends (or limiting where these interactions can take place).
4. Forgive fast.
If your teen expresses remorse for his poor decision-making, offer him mercy. If you let your emotions rule your actions, he might not feel comfortable seeking forgiveness. Sometimes, teens won’t apologize for their bad behavior because they don’t think they will be forgiven. Be merciful, but also be clear that forgiveness does not remove the need for discipline. If you steal someone’s candy, it’s not enough just to say you’re sorry—you have to give back the candy too.
Sometimes, teens won't apologize for their bad behavior because they don't think they will be forgiven. Click To Tweet5. Focus on your relationship.
One of my favorite quotes regarding teens is, “Rules without relationship breed rebellion.” If you lay down the law but don’t have a good relationship with your teen, she will probably rebel. She will also seek relationships elsewhere, hence the desire to sneak out. After emotions have calmed and discipline has been carried out, take your daughter out alone for dinner, coffee, or dessert. It might seem counterintuitive—why should you reward your teen’s bad behavior? But in my experience working with teens, it’s probably the best thing for your relationship with her. If you have a strong relationship with your teen, she may be more likely to trust that what you want really is best for her and she’ll also not want to hurt your relationship. While you’re out, consider asking your teen these 9 questions to get to know her heart.
What are some ways you might strengthen your relationship with your teen?
