“Where are the drinks?” Lana jogged around the picnic table, searching, then threw up her hands in disgust. “Ben, you forgot them!” Her husband hovered nearby, his arms crossed. “You had them before we left,” he said. Lana snorted. “It was your job to bring them.” Ben shook his head, muttering something about it being his wife’s “responsibility.” I slipped my hand into the crook of my husband’s elbow and gently backed us away, not wanting to hear the rest.
Listening to another couple toss blame at each other made me squirm. Sure, my husband and I had gotten into the blame game before. What couple hasn’t? Blaming others is easy when something goes wrong or when you’re feeling under pressure. But blame is one of the worst things to place on the man you love. Here are 5 reasons why you should stop blaming your husband for things (even if you think you’re right), and what to do instead.
1. Blame causes emotional pain.
Think about the last time someone blamed you for something. “Mom, you didn’t pack my recorder. It’s your fault I got in trouble!” Feels horrible, right? So when you blame your husband for something, he’s probably going to feel the same way. According to psychology professor Neil Farber, blame can make a person feel small and worthless. And consider, too, that his self-esteem could take a hit. He might think, Why can’t I do anything right in her eyes?
What to do instead: Ask yourself, “Do I need to be right? Or is it better to be kind in this situation?” Try to break the cycle of blame. He may take your lead and ease up too.
2. Blame deflects responsibility.
Pointing your finger at your husband may feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t solve the problem. Whatever happened, try acknowledging your role in it. Showing humility can be an unexpected release to the tension brewing between you. “I’m sorry. I misunderstood,” I told my husband last week. Immediately, his face softened and after a beat, he apologized too.
What to do instead: Ask yourself, “How did I contribute to this situation?” Sometimes, an olive branch is all you need to prevent an unnecessary confrontation.
3. Blame breaks down communication.
When I think about being blamed, my first impulse can be to lash back. (“Well, it’s your fault!”) Blaming others is easier than getting to the heart of an issue. To stop the blame game, it’s important to talk to your husband about what’s bothering you to eliminate more hurtful words. By talking about the problem—whether it’s his forgetfulness or his way of blaming you for something—you both will be strengthening instead of breaking down your relationship.
What to do instead: Try making “I” statements (“I feel”) instead of “you” statements (“You always”).
4. Blame eats away at love and trust.
Love and trust are building blocks in a strong marriage. So what happens when blame weasels its way between them? Yep—cracks form. It’s hard to feel close to someone or want to be intimate if the other person makes you feel irresponsible, guilty, or worthless. Keeping love in your marriage takes work. Sometimes that work involves holding back blame, even if it might feel good or be accurate in the moment.
Keeping love in your marriage takes work. Sometimes that work involves holding back blame, even if it might feel good or be accurate in the moment. Click To TweetWhat to do instead: Speak respectfully to each other. “Babe, I know you didn’t mean to move my files.” Think big picture. Is winning this fight today worth it?
5. Blame is a temporary fix with lasting ramifications.
In the heat of the moment, blaming your husband might make you feel better. (“It’s your fault that Morgan lost her new gloves!”). But what it provides is only a bandage on the problem. You’re disappointed, hurt, or angry. But unleashing these feelings on your husband won’t change what happened. Blaming others often prolongs an argument, making things worse.
What to do instead: Try to look at things from his perspective. “He had a lot on his plate yesterday. That’s why he didn’t pick up Sam on time.” Sometimes, by casting him in another light, you’re able to replace your anger with something kinder, like empathy. And unlike blame, a shot of empathy can boost you both to a better, happier place. Maybe if you speak this trick out loud, your husband will also take note and offer the same grace to you the next time he feels the urge to blame.
What strategy will you try to focus on the next time you feel the urge to blame your husband for something?
