One afternoon, I stood on the playground with another mom, watching our boys play. Eventually, my friend called her son over and told him it was time to go. “But Mom,” he said. “You always have to work, and I never get to play. Can’t I stay a little longer?” His mom sighed and gave in. “Ten more minutes,” she said as he ran off. “He’s right. I do work a lot.” I knew this mom’s husband had been laid off and she’d been putting in more hours. But her son guilted her into getting something he wanted. Making you feel guilty is one of the signs your child is manipulating you.
My friend’s son was a good kid, and our boys always played well together. But even good kids can sometimes be manipulative. Look for these 5 signs your child is manipulating you—and we’ll tell you how to handle it.
1. He makes you feel guilty.
As in the case above, my friend felt guilty about not staying long enough on the playground. Her son had found the right button to press to get what he wanted in this situation.
Be aware of this tactic and don’t let your kids use it against you. If you’ve already said no, stick to it.
2. She won’t stop begging or arguing.
Kids think they can wear you down by asking enough and not relenting. When my kids were little, this got very difficult to handle because they’d couple the begging with kisses and hugs. I felt like a meanie when I said no. But my kids were smart. They knew that I melted with affection. Now that they’re older, they argue more than beg—and they’re very persistent. I wish I hadn’t given in so much when they were younger.
It can be exhausting but try to stay firm, or kids will learn that if they put in enough effort, they’ll get their way.
It can be exhausting but try to stay firm, or kids will learn that if they put in enough effort, they’ll get their way. Click To Tweet2. He plays the victim.
Recently, my teen son started asking for a phone. “My teacher asked who had a phone, and everyone raised their hand but me,” he said, sulking. As if I didn’t understand what he meant, he added, “I’m the only one!”
If you have a family rule, don’t let your kids manipulate you by making it sound like they’re victims of unfairness.
4. She ignores you.
Sometimes, I’ll call upstairs for my daughter and she won’t respond. I begin to doubt whether she has heard me, so I walk up the stairs only to find her lounging on her bed with a book. “Did you hear me calling you?” I’ll ask. She’ll put a finger on her page and slowly look up. “Yes.” It makes me so frustrated. I’ve just lost several minutes of my time because she wouldn’t respond when I called her. In another situation, your child may be a foot away, refusing to acknowledge you. Or she may have gone so far as to turn her back to you while you speak. In each one of these situations, your child is trying to manipulate you with a powerplay. She thinks you’re going to bend to her whims.
Tell your kids they must acknowledge you. If they don’t respond right away, discipline is needed. In the instance above, I could’ve taken away my daughter’s book for the rest of the night.
5. He has a meltdown.
Small children will cry or have a temper tantrum. Older children and teens will have their own versions of a meltdown that may include anger, tears, sighing, lots of drama, or all of the above. In both scenarios, the child has lost control and has given in to his emotions, using them in the hope that he will change your mind or convince you of something he wants.
When kids have lost control, it’s no time to reason with them. Children of all ages can benefit from a timeout or time alone to collect themselves. Once they’re calm, you can have a conversation together. But don’t give in unless you want to see more meltdowns in the future.
Kids will learn quickly what works with you and what doesn’t. Being aware of these signs your child is manipulating you is your first line of defense. The next one is not letting the manipulative tactic work. Redirecting your children, holding firm ground, and keeping your emotions out of it will help curb this behavior. And with repetition, your kids will eventually learn that manipulation doesn’t work with you.
The next time your kid tries a manipulative tactic with you, how will you handle it?
