When my husband came home from work, he took one look at my face and said, “Uh-oh. What’s going on?” I opened and closed my fists, too upset in the moment to trust words. He said one child’s name and I shook my head. Then he said the other and I shook my head again. “Which one is it?” I met his eyes, set my jaw and growled, “Both of them.” Yes, welcome home, honey. Our children are pushing my buttons.
Feeling at the end of your rope, it’s easy to slip up and say things you’ll regret later. We’ve all been there. And this may just be a season of your life when you have to work a little harder at parenting. But here are 5 ways to stay calm when your child pushes your buttons.
1. Connect. Have a conversation.
Easier said than done, but yelling really doesn’t work. It only escalates the problem. And when I want to teach my kids self-control, it’s hard to look convincing when I can’t stay in control myself. Many times, when your child pushes your buttons, he’s trying to get a rise out of you. But why? What is it that kids really want? It could be connection.
Instead of assuming he’s trying to drive you crazy, ask yourself, Does my child need me right now? Is he talking back, annoying a sibling, or disobeying because he wants my attention? Try to dial down your response and have a conversation with him when you’re calm. “It makes me sad when you say those things. I know you don’t mean to hurt me. What can I do to help you?”
2. Choose your battles and empathize.
“It’s late and I know you’re tired. Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” I said. She’s had a busy day, I thought. Her pinched, angry face relaxed and she held up her arms for a hug.
Instead of making a situation more heated, try to switch gears and empathize. By placing yourself in your child’s shoes, you’ll be more equipped to discern which battles to pursue and which to drop for the time being. Whether she’s trying to push your buttons to get a reaction or not, it helps to think about where she’s coming from. Is she overtired? Is she feeling overwhelmed or anxious? Does she need cuddle time more than anything right now?
By placing yourself in your child's shoes, you'll be more equipped to discern which battles to pursue and which to drop for the time being. Click To Tweet3. Identify your triggers.
What are your triggers? Maybe it’s a firstborn child who doesn’t like to look after her siblings. Or maybe it’s a child who doesn’t behave in public and causes you embarrassment. Family counselor Lisa Highfield says the way we were raised can affect our parenting and what triggers us: “If we grew up in a family obsessed with cleanliness and germs, we may respond over-harshly to a child who gets a little muddy playing outside.”
Before responding, take a deep breath and ask yourself, Why do I respond so strongly to this trigger? Am I being fair to my child with my reaction? You may conclude it’s not really the child’s fault and she’s not trying to push your buttons. Understanding this may help you to regulate your emotions when triggered and to offer her compassion rather than anger.
4. Reframe the situation.
My daughter often leaves her breakfast dishes on the table, and I end up having to take care of them. It pushes my buttons to clean up after her. In a situation like this one, your child may not be trying to irritate you. I think my daughter gets distracted by the other things she has to do in the morning and doesn’t prioritize my request.
Looking at a situation in this way can help downshift your response. Instead of getting angry, talk with your child about what you’d like her to do differently. Getting her on the same page can make it easier going forward. And if you lose your temper? We all mess up at times. Just apologize and move on. Showing her you’re able to say you’re sorry lets her know you’re human and aren’t afraid to admit it.
5. Take time to act. Return to the issue later.
Slam! The house rattled for a second or two and a picture frame fell to the floor. My child had just left the room, slamming the door. It’s a house rule that we don’t slam doors. But my child does it anyway, and when it happens, it’s hard not to get upset. But I’m trying to detach emotionally from the situation and not react with an equally loud response.
When you feel your blood start to boil, take a few deep breaths, visit the bathroom, or say a silent prayer to create some emotional distance from what’s happening. Taking time to respond will prevent a difficult situation from getting worse.
What do you do when your child pushes your buttons?
