“I keep getting asked to prom, I mean like so many times! And I don’t want to go with any of those people,” my teen said to a group of friends in the school’s atrium. Because I work at the school, I happened to be standing nearby. I wanted to smack my head as I heard her say it. To make matters worse, a locker banged shut, and we all looked—one of those rejected prom dates had been within earshot and was walking fast in the opposite direction.
I sighed. Why would she say something like that? She’s not one of those rude teenagers. She’s been taught to be considerate of others… But if your teen says something shocking, boastful, or just plain rude, don’t despair. Here are 4 reasons teens do this and how moms can help.
1. They get nervous.
Lots of teenagers are nervous talkers. When they get in social situations that put them on the spot, they usually react in one of two ways: by clamming up or verbally spewing whatever pops into their heads. Sadly, words spoken in haste often have consequences like embarrassment, hurt feelings, or even broken friendships that must be repaired.
If your teen proves to be a nervous talker, try sharing an embarrassing story of a time when you stuck your foot in your mouth. This will lighten the mood, and then you can get your point across: When you’re feeling nervous or put on the spot, take extra time before you respond.
2. They so desperately want to be accepted.
At this age, kids desire social acceptance more than just about anything. Yeah, but they shouldn’t be changing who they are, you think. But consider this: “Because acceptance by a peer group becomes so important, teens may modify their speech, dress, or behavior in order to become more similar to their peers. This increased similarity provides them a sense of security and affirms their acceptance…” (MentalHelp.net). No wonder they say bold, out-of-character things—they’re trying so hard to fit in.
Rather than telling your teen to “just be yourself” (my kids say that’s cringey), highlight specific positive character traits you see—kind, thoughtful, smart, and generous. You can still shape the person your teen is becoming by highlighting the positive.
You can still shape the person your teen is becoming by highlighting the positive. Click To Tweet3. They are brimming with emotion.
Developmentally, the frontal lobe of the teenage brain (the logical part) is not only underdeveloped until the mid-twenties but it’s often highjacked by hormonal swings and emotions, causing the amygdala (the emotional part) to be in charge. Picture your teen’s emotional “cup” being nearly full at the start of every day. It doesn’t take much to make it overflow, cueing the verbal outbursts.
Whether you’re on the receiving end or just witnessing one of these, take deep breaths and remember he won’t be this way forever. His brain is growing, and one day, he will be much more logical than he is right now. Encourage healthy sleep and eating habits, and help him find positive outlets for his emotions. For my teen son, that’s running; and for my teen daughters, that’s art or music. What is it for your child?
4. They long for intimacy.
Teens want friendships and intimacy so badly that they will sometimes say something very personal to fast-track a relationship. They think what they share will be respected and intimacy will be reciprocated, but most of the time, it’s not. Personal information is tempting fuel for gossip, and sadly, most teens can’t resist sharing it.
If this happens to your teen, look for an opportunity to talk to her about who your best friends are and how you know they’re trustworthy. You can also share the House-Porch-Yard-Neighborhood analogy to help her discern what she shares.
How have you handled it when your teen’s mouth ran away with him or her?
