10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Stop Lying
Have you ever given your kids the fresh breath test? If you have a child who tends to lie, you probably have! It works like this: You ask: “Did you brush your teeth?” Your child answers, “Yes.” “Okay,” you say, “let me smell your breath.” It’s pretty obvious if your child hasn’t brushed his teeth. Once you’ve found out your child isn’t telling the truth, you can start taking the steps to help your child stop lying.
Honesty is the basis for any relationship because it develops trust, and simple things like communication and responsibility rest on that. When a child lies, that trust is broken and relationships suffer. Parents often don’t know how to handle dishonesty and common discipline techniques don’t quite address the problem. A more comprehensive plan is usually necessary since dishonesty often has several components. Here are 10 ways to get your child to stop lying.
1. Talk about reality and truth.
Talk about how reality and truth are different from fantasy, wishes, possibility, pretend, and make-believe. Require that children use cues to identify anything other than reality. Here are some ideas:
“I think it happened this way.”
“I think this is the answer.”
“I’m not sure…”
“I wish this were true.”
“I’d like to tell you a story…”
“I can imagine what it would be like to…” (fantasy)
2. When you sense a child is beginning to stray from the truth, stop them.
Sometimes children just get started and can’t stop. Parents can help teach them. Say, “Stop. Think for a minute and then start again. I’d like to hear the things you know for sure separated from the things you think. Start again and tell me how it really happened. Just the parts you are sure of.”
3. If a child has ADHD or is impulsive, use a plan for self-discipline.
Sometimes children who are impulsive blurt out things without thinking. Other times they start talking and don’t know how to stop. This impulsivity component can lead to dishonesty because of a lack of self-control. It’s not always malicious lying, but it’s still not good and shouldn’t be excused because the problem often gets worse. Even though children may have poor impulse control, they must learn to tell the truth. The route, though, may contain more self-discipline training than some of the other suggestions.
Even though children may have poor impulse control, they must learn to tell the truth.
4. A courtesy generally given in relationships is called the benefit of the doubt.
When a child won’t stop lying, we can’t automatically give the benefit of the doubt. Believing someone requires trust and it’s a privilege that is earned. Privilege and responsibility go together, and when a child is irresponsible privileges are taken away. For a time, the things your child says are suspect. You may even question something that is found to be true later. A child may be hurt by this, but that hurt is the natural consequence of mistrust which in turn comes from lying. Tell your child that you would like to believe him but you cannot until he earns that privilege.
You find yourself in a predicament because proof seems impossible, yet you have a sense that this child is not telling the truth. When possible, don’t choose that battleground. It’s too sticky and you will usually have other clearer opportunities later. Children who have a problem with lying, demonstrate it often. Use taking a break and the positive conclusion. Here’s how taking a break and a positive conclusion work. When you do need to punish, iMOM’s Consequences Calculator can help provide a visual for your child to see how his decisions lead to specific actions.
6. Confrontation should result in repentance.
This may seem unrealistic at first but keep it in mind as your goal. Children who are confronted with the fact that they are telling a lie should immediately agree and apologize. A child who is defensive is relying on arguing and justifying as manipulative techniques in order to avoid taking responsibility. This is unacceptable and cannot be tolerated. Use Taking a Break to motivate the child to repentance.
7. You may withhold further discipline if a child responds properly to correction.
You may, for an introductory period of time, in order to motivate repentance when confronted, withhold further discipline if a child responds properly to correction. “If you can admit it was a lie and that you were wrong when I confront you, I will not further discipline you for that lie.” This is a temporary approach to teach a proper response to correction. If they aren’t responding to correction because they don’t understand what mistake they made, try iMOM’s free Think About It printable.
8. Be proactive in teaching about honesty.
Tell stories from your life or read stories like:
- The Emperor’s New Clothes
- The Boy Who Cried Wolf
- Ananias and Sapphira from The Bible
- The Boy Who Cried Bigfoot
- The Empty Pot
9. Give an outlet for creative writing or storytelling.
A great way to help your child stop lying is to give her ways to exercise her imagination. This is a great way to further emphasize the difference between fantasy and reality and the proper use of fantasy.
10. Memorizing proverbs about honesty can appeal to a child’s conscience.
Teach your child proverbs like, “Truthful words stand the test of time, but lies are soon exposed.” (Proverbs 12:19) These will plant a seed that will stay with them as they decide what words to say and what to hold back. Don’t let this problem go. It only gets worse. Continual, persistent work will pay off in the end.
Tell us! How have you helped your children stop lying?
Dr. Scott Turansky is an author and speaker known for his heartfelt parenting approach. He offers moms practical, real-life advice for many of parenting’s greatest challenges and is the founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting.