5 Ways to Help Your Children Choose a Spouse


pick a spouse

If your child is well below the marrying age, you might not be giving much thought to who they’ll marry.  But, trust me on this one, now is the time to start preparing your child to make a good choice!   I have three daughters old enough to get married, and it is stressful!  Will they use good judgment?  Do they understand that chemistry only goes so far?  Will they marry a guy from another continent and move far away from me?

You don’t have to start drilling your children when they’re still in elementary school about who they’re going to marry one day.  But, you can start planting the seeds of how to think through this major life decision.

1. Head and Heart.

Help your children understand that choosing a husband or wife is a heart and head decision.  They need to know that the butterflies in their stomach aren’t an indicator that “this is the one.”  Help them think through the qualities that make a good mate.  You can say something like, “It’s easy to feel, ‘Oh, he’s so cute!’ but you need to find out if he’s nice and kind, too.”

2. Ask the Right Questions.

 When you child does have a crush, try to figure out what caused them to choose that particular person.  Learn from their answers as you teach them to go deeper, beyond the feeling.  Ask, “What do you like about him?  Is it the way he looks or the things he says?  Is he smart?”  Teach them to assess character qualities.  Bring up areas that are important to you: “Is he respectful to his teachers?  Does he go to church? Does he have nice friends?”

3. Fish in the Sea.

 Remind your children that there are lots of people in the world and that it won’t come down to having to marry this or that person.  Prepare them for rejection by teaching them that even though it can hurt, it’s not the end of the world.  Also talk about how rejection can lead to better things.  I recently told my daughter that sometimes I was so sad that a particular boy (man) didn’t like me.  But, I told her, it all worked out because that led me to her father.

4. Real Marriage.

Show your children that marriage is wonderful—a lifetime partnership where each partner makes the other stronger.  But, also let them know that it’s not the “happily ever after” they read about in fairy tales.

5. Pray.

Starting today, no matter your child’s age, pray that he will have wisdom in choosing a mate.

Comments


  • Laura C Vivoni Sánchez

    I find 3 and 5 to be quite hard for me since I am divorced and single. How can I show her by example if I have no example to give?

    • Rebecca Marian Lewis Mallay

      We can teach our children not only through positive example, but also through negative. Meaning, “Here are the mistakes I made, and how you can avoid them.” But, I think it’s also important for your children to see what a healthy marriage looks like. Do you have any friends or relatives with a healthy marriage? Use them as an example for your children. Ask them to have those talks with your kids if it is too uncomfortable or difficult for you.

      • Laura C Vivoni Sánchez

        Unfortunately, only the parents of one of my best friends is the only couple I know that has a healthy relationship, and they live out of town. I will see what I can do to share that influence more. Thanks.