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13 Signs You Could Be Idolizing Your Child

After the game, I passed some of the football players outside the locker room. They had to be crushed by their loss, but they posed for a woman taking their picture. When she finished, she grabbed one of the kids and gave him a huge hug. “You played well, honey,” she said. When he pulled back, she added, “Wait. One more photo!” The boy rolled his eyes but obeyed. When he finally left, the mom’s cheeks glistened with tears. “Such a close game,” she muttered to herself.

We love our kids and want what’s best for them. But falling into the trap of idolizing our kids isn’t just bad for them, it’s harmful for us too. With a humble heart, look at this list of 13 danger signs to see if putting children first might be affecting your family’s well-being. Think about what you might do differently going forward.

1. Your child’s success is paramount and affects how you feel about yourself.

Do you push your child to achieve in school or sports? Does his success (or failure) affect how you feel about your job as a parent? Your child’s successes should be his own, and if he fails, it shouldn’t affect your self-esteem.

Your child's successes should be his own, and if he fails, it shouldn't affect your self-esteem. Click To Tweet

2. You look the other way or let things slide when your child does something he shouldn’t.

Idolatry is blind devotion to something or someone else. It’s not seeing—or wanting to see—when your child does something he shouldn’t. Instead of ignoring the situation, address it with him. You’re not your child’s friend, and he needs you to teach him about rules and boundaries so he can survive in the world without you and get along well with others.

3. You avoid upsetting your child or having difficult conversations with him.

You don’t want to argue, so you don’t discuss his bad behavior with him. You just hope it won’t happen again. But this doesn’t teach your child right from wrong. As the parent, it’s your job to address the hard issues no matter if he’s 8 or 18. Blind devotion in this way risks treating your child as an idol.

4. What your child thinks of you matters a whole lot.

If your child doesn’t like you at times, that’s OK. It means you’re probably expecting better behavior from him and sticking to consequences when he doesn’t follow through. These lessons will help him become a well-adjusted adult some day.

5. You frequently buy things for your child for no reason but to make her happy.

Buying something as a special treat isn’t bad, but if your child mentions something on a whim and you buy it, you might be dipping into dangerous territory. Instead, have her use her own money or do chores to earn what she wants.

6. Orchestrating your child’s life with playdates, extra-curriculars, lessons, and so forth is a central focus of your own life.

Having your own interests will show your child you don’t exist just to serve him.

7. You absorb his feelings and make them your own.

Empathize and encourage your child to talk about how she feels without becoming enmeshed with her feelings. Not only is this a danger sign for making your child your idol, but licensed professional counselor Melissa Porrey says it’s unhealthy for a child and her development if the emotional bond between parent and child becomes intertwined.

8. Being away from your child is very difficult for you.

Remind yourself that your child is his own person. You both would benefit from pursuing separate interests instead of being together all the time.

9. You do things for your child instead of having her do things for herself.

Rather than overparenting, teach your child life skills and how to do things without you hovering nearby. This will give her self-confidence and prevent you both from slipping into codependence.

10. You sacrifice your own interests and wellbeing for that of your child.

Did you give up book club? Quit exercising? Turn down girls’ night because your child didn’t want you to go?

11. You almost always prioritize time with your child over time with your husband and friends.

Even if you really enjoy spending time with your child, it’s not good for either of you if you’re always his main playmate. Both of you need time with others.

12. You give in to requests made by your child even when you know you shouldn’t.

Who calls the shots in your home? Putting your child first when he begs or whines isn’t helping him prepare for the real world. He’s not always going to get his way. Redefine your role as the authority figure. Your will needs to be stronger than his to keep him safe and teach him better behavior.

13. You spend more time thinking and worrying about your child than praying and spending time with God.

If you’re worried you might be making your child your idol, turn to your faith and see what you might do differently parenting your child.

How is putting your child first affecting your life?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

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