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15 Healthy Ways to Say No

Why do we have to go there for Christmas again? I just want to stay home.” We’ve all heard it from our kids at least once, and we’ve probably all said it, too. My parents tell me I was the queen of saying this when I was young—and not just at Christmas, but all year long. We had grandparents who wanted to spend time with us regularly, extended family with expectations about how things should be done for holidays and Sunday dinners, and relatives who regarded children’s lives as an anything-goes topic of conversation. As an adult, I can see the blessing of having extended family members who care, but as a kid, I often felt like I had no control and no privacy.

My parents tell me they felt out of control, too. They often found themselves teaching me all about the value of family obligations, but skimping out on examples of boundaries in a relationship, despite their best intentions. It taught me that for my own kids’ sake, I needed to work on boundaries. You might need to do that, too. The next time you start feeling bad about needing (or wanting) to turn down a family obligation, try starting the conversation a different way. And regardless of the relationship, when other people ask questions about your kids’ personal lives, won’t take no for an answer, or really put the pressure on, try using one of these 15 responses.

The next time you start feeling bad about needing (or wanting) to turn down a family obligation, try starting the conversation a different way. Click To Tweet

To make room for your own family’s time together:

  • “We need to stay home this weekend. Is there another day that works?”
  • “Can we try something different this week/month/year?”
  • “We’d really like to have you over to our house instead.”
  • “We need some time to recharge; we’ll join everyone next week.”
  • “Can we come up with a few new traditions?”

To respect your kids’ privacy:

  • “I’m not sure; you’ll have to see if he’d like to talk to you about it.”
  • “I don’t think that’s what she meant. We’ll have to ask her.”
  • “She asked me not to talk about that.”
  • “He’s feeling sensitive about that right now. Let’s take some time to pray about that before we ask him.”

To advocate for everyone’s personal needs:

  • “I’m sorry I missed your call. I keep my phone on silent after 6 most evenings.”
  • “Please don’t joke about that.”
  • “He’s had a busy week and needs some downtime. He’ll join us next time.”
  • “That’s a topic I’m not comfortable with.”
  • “I don’t feel safe when you say things like that.”
  • “I want to respect you, and I’m asking that you respect me too.”

Hopefully, with these 15 examples of boundaries in a relationship, you and your kids will be able to begin to feel good about choosing how you spend time with your extended family instead of feeling like it’s already chosen for you. You can keep them handy all year long and might find yourself using them a little extra during the holidays. It might even transform those extended relationships into an even bigger blessing.

How do you turn down a family obligation with grace?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

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