“My friends are celebrating their 20th anniversary, and I just started dating again.” I sat with a girlfriend as she wrestled with complicated feelings. She described how she always imagined being married for 50 or 60 years, and now, because of her divorce, she wasn’t going to hit that number unless she remarried tomorrow and lived to be 100. “Do you know how to let go of a dream?” she asked, wantingly.
I replied with a story: “I remember my son sobbing one day because he thought we were going to Magic Kingdom and we went to Epcot instead. He loves Epcot, but all he could focus on was that it wasn’t Magic Kingdom. I did that after my divorce in a way. I was so focused on ‘what might have been’ that I was unable to see what is. And a lot of ‘what is’ is really beautiful.” If life looks different than you expected it would, here are 3 ways to refocus and love the life you’re living.
1. Give yourself a chance to grieve (or feel whatever emotion you’ve kept down).
If your husband passed away or you went through a divorce, you probably jumped into survival mode pretty quickly. Did you have time to deal with difficult emotions like grief, disappointment, and fear? It’s hard to let go if you’ve been wearing a mask or putting up a front to prove to everyone that you’re OK.
It’s hard to let go if you’ve been wearing a mask or putting up a front to prove to everyone that you’re OK. Click To TweetDr. Mark Ettensohn, PsyD. describes letting go as letting it be true that someone or something we cared about is gone. He says, “When we become attached, we naturally want to do everything in our power to keep our attachment alive.” Sometimes that means holding on to a dream for the future because it’s easier than feeling difficult emotions. Talking to a therapist or journaling to address those deeper feelings is helpful in moving away from thoughts of what you don’t have and into recognition of what you do.
2. Try grounding then gratitude.
When you’re struggling to let go of a dream, it’s easy to ruminate on what you don’t have, and research shows that rumination can lead to depressive disorders and anxiety. Practicing gratitude is an effective way to fight that, but I find that starting with a grounding technique helps push the negativity out so gratitude can have its own space.
One grounding technique I use is 3-3-3. To do it, you name three objects you see and three sounds you hear and then move three body parts. It really works to bring you into the present and out of the hypotheticals. Then think of the things you’re grateful for, like your children, a friend who’s a good listener, or your church community.
3. Get excited about what’s now possible.
My friend’s ex-husband was terrified of flying, but she dreamed of traveling the world. In their marriage, she’d accepted the fact that she was probably not ever leaving North America. One day when we were chatting about spring break plans, she said, “I’m going to miss our family’s beach week tradition. The drive was fun, and it was so relaxing.” I said, “Yeah. But now you can fly somewhere with the kids.” Her eyes brightened, and I could see her wheels turning.
One thought for how to let go of a dream you had is to let your mind explore new dreams. Life is different, but different isn’t necessarily bad. Make a “now possible” list and look at it when you feel yourself dwelling on what might have been.
How do you intentionally focus on what opportunities exist in your life as a single mom?
