When you have a teenager, the parent-child relationship can seem to take a backseat to your teen’s relationship with his friends. Developmentally, that’s to be expected. But the parent-child relationship still matters to your teenager’s well-being even as adolescence marks a major shift from parents to peers.
During adolescence, their world is full of fresh, new possibilities and perspectives. Their relationship to the opposite sex takes on a new meaning, and achievement in activities becomes a more significant factor in their self-esteem. The teen years are also a time of great opportunity for you to grow your parent-child relationship. Here are 4 ways to cultivate a healthy relationship with your teen.
1. Be worthy of imitation.
Many parents forget the significant impact that God has designed for us to have in our kids’ lives. Our home is the primary place where our children learn about morals, values, and ethics. Even when they become teenagers and it seems as if you have little impact, the fact is that you still do.
So is what our teenagers see in our lives worthy of their imitation? Do they see us valuing the spiritual side of life? Do we model for them the value of prayer, kindness, and patience? While there are no guarantees that your children will do as you do, what you model is the greatest influence on what your teens will choose. The parent-child relationship will be stronger if you do the things you ask of them. A study published in the Journal of Adolescence, for example, found that telling teens not to drink was less effective if their parents drank. Â
2. Be available.
To build a strong relationship with your child, they have to know you’re there. That might mean working your schedule to fit theirs, putting down your phone when they walk into the room, and staying up late when they’re in a chatty mood. Be where they are. Fold laundry in their room. Put out good snacks after school and hang around the kitchen while your teen eats. I know a mom who has a code word for her kids to use when they really need her attention. In a perfect world, every parent would give their kids their undivided attention every time they ask for it, but that can’t always happen. So when her kids say the code word, she knows this is important, and she needs to put everything else aside.
3. Spend time with your teen.
It is impossible to build a strong parent-child relationship without spending quantity, not just quality, time together. As two of our sons have moved into their teenage years, spending time with them has become more of a challenge. So make the most of your opportunities to do things together with your child while you can. Also, come up with fun things you can do together. Here are 35 ideas.
The more time you spend with your teen, the more you’ll be able to influence him in these five areas.
4. Trust your teen.
Many parents tell their teens, “We’ll trust you when you prove you can be trusted.” Teenagers express bitterness and frustration that they often are made to feel guilty and have to prove their innocence. Early on, we decided that we would communicate a different message to our boys. We told them, “We’ll trust you until you prove you can’t be trusted, and then we’ll deal with the problem.” Time and time again, with only a few exceptions, they have rewarded our trust by protecting it.
A strong parent-child relationship is vital to a teen’s well-being. You matter to your teenager.Â
What small ways do you build the parent-child relationship with your tween or teen?
Used with permission from Gary Oliver, Ph.D.Â
