I have a friend who was struggling in her marriage a few years ago. She soon found a new confidante in Sara, who was also unhappy in her marriage. The two became inseparable, they offered each other marriage advice, and within a year, both had separated from their husbands and divorced. It left me wondering if they had, intentionally or unintentionally, encouraged one another toward the decision. Were both divorces unavoidable, or did groupthink play a role?
Where do you turn for marriage advice when things get tough? Wouldn’t it make sense to turn to someone who’s happily married—someone who knows how to make it work for the long haul? Be sure to avoid going to these 5 places for marriage advice.
1. Friends of the Opposite Sex
One friend begins to confide in another. As they talk through her problems and he offers support and consolation, something more happens. Without ever intending to, they’ve formed an emotional bond that’s inappropriate and can easily lead to an affair. Suddenly, a marriage that had some problems has even more.
Talking to a friend of the opposite sex about marriage problems creates emotional intimacy. This is always a problem, but it’s especially risky if you’re starved for emotional or physical intimacy with your husband. If you have to talk to a friend, make it a friend of the same gender.
2. Someone Who’s Sour on Marriage
Misery loves company, so we have a natural desire to go to a place where we think our feelings and opinions will be validated rather than challenged. Those in a marriage crisis will sometimes turn to another unhappily married or divorced friend whom they know will say, “Believe me, sister, I know. You’ve gotta do what’s best for you.” But is that the smart thing to do? Wouldn’t it make more sense to talk to a friend who’s happily married who might offer insight you don’t already possess?
3. People Who Don’t Share Your Values
If you view marriage as a covenant relationship between you, your spouse, and God, why would you consult with someone who doesn’t share that fundamental belief? Once the core values are removed from the marriage equation, all bets are off, and you’re left with nothing but what you feel to guide you—and that’s dangerous ground. Make sure your advice is coming from someone who shares your most important beliefs. This goes for choosing a counselor, too.
4. The Local Gossip
No matter how at odds with your husband you may feel, he deserves your protection and respect. Sharing your marriage problems with someone who’ll broadcast them all over town is just another dagger thrown at him. Make sure anyone you speak with candidly can be trusted, and err on the side of caution. It would be a shame for you and your husband to work things out only to have one or both of your reputations irreparably and unnecessarily damaged.
5. Your Parents
This warning is more of a judgment call, but it’s worth considering. As a mom, you know how hard it is to forgive someone who mistreats your child. That doesn’t change with time. If you dump all of your spouse’s weaknesses and dirty laundry out for your parents to peruse, it will be much harder for them to forget than it will be for you. When your marriage is back on track, you’ll have the added work of helping your side of the family trust and love him again. Think long and hard before you make your mom your marriage counselor.
What are the best places to get marriage advice?
