Sometimes, when I strive for efficiency, I end up ignoring my kids’ needs—or tuning them out. As soon as they start telling me about a problem they’re having, I stop listening and start solving. Not the greatest parenting approach.
Thankfully, I have a friend who reminded me to slow down and forget about efficiency now and then. She told me about picking her niece up from school, and that as soon as the girl got into the car, she burst into tears. The way my friend handled it helped me downgrade efficiency and focus on 5 tips for really tuning into my children.
1. Listen in silence.
After my friend calmly asked what was wrong, she didn’t say a thing. She sat silently as her niece sobbed and shared. Finally, the little girl said, “You know, you’re just listening to me, and it feels so good. It feels so good to get it all out.” When kids feel heard, they feel comfortable sharing what they’re really going through. Knowing what’s going on in our kids’ lives is a crucial part of parenting well.
2. Avoid problem solving.
At one point, my friend’s niece said, “My mom always tries to solve whatever problem I have, but sometimes I just want to keep talking about what happened.” Kids don’t always have the words to tell you what they want, but when they’re upset, it’s sometimes best to simply sit with them and listen. This allows them to process and formulate their own solution. If we jump in immediately, they might think we don’t trust them to figure things out. And if they struggle to figure things out, we can ask if they’d like to hear our ideas for what might help.
3. Relate.
My friend didn’t make the situation about herself, but at the right moment, she said, “I’ve felt like that before.” That’s all she said. She left it to her niece either to pursue more information or move on. Sharing that we relate to their situation helps our kids feel less alone.
4. Offer bite-sized advice.
Instead of playing the heavy hand, my friend offered just a bit of wisdom, “You know, it’s great that you realize that you needed to talk. If you feel like this again, you’ll be able to tell your mom or whoever else you’re with what you need.”
Practical advice in small doses gives our kids a sense of agency by providing something manageable they can do in the future. And, when we dispense it in bits instead of buckets, they are less likely to feel overwhelmed.
5. Encourage.
My friend didn’t use platitudes, but she did offer encouragement and comfort in the shape of something sweet: “I don’t know about you, but I’d love some ice cream,” she said to her niece. And, with that, a little smile peeked out from behind the tears. Of course, we know sweets aren’t the answer for every sad feeling, but in some cases, they’re just right. And doing something fun in the middle of the sadness shows our kids that there is still good in their lives even if they aren’t feeling it at that moment.
Do you have friends who help you stay on track in parenting? How do they help you?
